Zita,

Forgiving others and ourselves for our misdeeds is entirely possible when we wholly understand and accept that we are imperfect beings. As I have often mentioned in many of my reply posts to other members: who truly knows what they’re doing in life? Who truly knows that they’re entirely right? Who truly knows how to handle/tackle ‘any’, ‘new’ and ‘all’ encounters? Who has all the answers? What are the basis of acting ‘right’ and ‘wrong’? What is right and wrong? These are but some questions among many.

While your head and heart are currently in chaos, do your best to practice one of the eight Noble Eightfold Paths of the Buddha, Deep Understanding, which consists of recognizing the suffering (which causes the imperfections) in others by considering all of the negative/chaotic elements that were previously exposed to the one whom hurt you which factored in his misbehavior. For example, your father has been verbally and sometimes physically abusive of you your entire life. In order to forgive him, we must understand all that has occurred to him first in order to do so. Learning his past may reveal that he did not grow up in a ‘happy’ home, that he was abused, that he was surrounded by a negative environment inside + outside of his home, that he made the wrong friends and that he did not have a supporting adult/influence around him, among other experiences. Do note that these examples are quite extreme. However, regardless of the severity of the experiences, negative is nevertheless negative and many small negative acts/events/experiences add up. When you apply this approach to the person (and any other) whom hurt you, you will find that their/his misdeeds were the cause of not having all of the proper influences in order to help them/him make good choices. This also applies to us.

In addition, though difficult to accept, negative experiences are a must. Only by suffering through them and learning their lessons do we grow. Therefore, please do your best to learn from this experience so that you may apply it to your future. In fact, you may come to nurture a grateful outlook once you find that this experience will contribute to you finding/choosing a more suitable partner.

I hope this helps.

Al