I’m sorry you’re finding yourself in this situation. There is an upside to the most recent revelation, as you’re quite likely not wanting to go back to him.

I became involved with someone years ago, on an online dating site. I thought he was “the one” and all that. He said the right things and everything seemed great. We met, I felt uncomfortable in his presence, but decided to not listen to myself and got on with the relationship. I started to go a bit crazy with him, doubting myself and feeling weird. Honestly, I can’t remember everything about it. The whole thing fell apart, and I felt miserable. Then someone pointed me out to look into Narcissism, and it all hit me, as I was reading through the descriptions. This man was like a text book narcissist. He called himself god, I laughed, not taking him seriously (and thinking that he had a really weird sense of humor). Stuff like that. Then I started to realize that my previous relationship before him had eerily similar feel to it. The push and pull. Idolizing and then being treated like dirt. Emotional blackmail, never quite knowing if it was OK to be me or not. I had thought that I was the world’s worst girlfriend, and that relationship had a very big impact on me and how I viewed myself. Then I suddenly realized that it wasn’t about me. It could’ve been anyone, and it had been someone else in my shoes previously; I heard later that the man in my previous relationship had driven several women crazy.

I joined some support internet forum for victims of Narcissists. It was helpful in a way, that I could understand how many of the aspects of my relationships weren’t normal. I had accepted them as normal. In a way, it was all very scary. I started to doubt all people, as did many other victims. I saw the same lack of compassion in many of the people in my life, and I was just really scared. That did pass a bit, though I couldn’t fully start trusting again. The good thing was, that I did break up all potential relationships that started to go down a familiar road.

More things happened in my life that weren’t so great, until finally I just shattered. Everything fell apart. It was horrible and it was painful, but there was hope and I worked on healing myself. I went to therapy, that didn’t work for me at all, I disliked the therapist (go with a therapist that makes you feel safe, you can choose). I joined Al-Anon, that was filled with other codependent people, who interestingly also told stories about relationships with Narcissists.

My healing has now continued for a while, and I’m more of myself now than I’ve ever been. There are times when I feel weak and scared, but most of the times I trust myself, and that seems to be the key to a lot of things.

I am telling you all of this so that you can put into perspective what I’m telling you now. I know that you are still in an emotional turmoil and probably can’t see very clearly, but I hope that this can be of some help, when it’s the right time:

1) You dodged a bullet. Had you continued to be with him, even as a friend, it might’ve done considerably more damage to you.
2) Be kind to yourself and possibly seek help from support groups, so that you can hear other stories. It helps to understand that you’re not the only one. It helps to alleviate some of the shame that you might be feeling.
3) When it’s time, take responsibility of your own part in everything. You knew something was wrong, but decided to believe him instead of yourself. I have been there and done that myself, so please don’t take this as a victim blaming. It is trust in oneself, having healthy boundaries, having a healthy relationship with reality and loving oneself that will keep you safe. Emotional maturity is a deterrent for those who are emotionally immature. Illusions and fairy tales have their own place in life, but they’re not the basis of a healthy relationship. Any relationship, including the one you have with yourself.
4) Do not escape reality, as reality is your friend. It’s the place where you know what is real and what isn’t. Getting reacquainted with your senses and your surroundings, mindfulness, also helps you with trusting your own senses. When you trust your own senses, and you trust yourself, you’ll also start to trust your gut instincts. In my personal experience, it is always right, and I so often have not listened to it and went ahead with things anyway, and I have ended getting hurt. I am still glad that I have this inborn ability to detect danger. It’s just easy to dismiss when someone is being more convincing, so you need the self-esteem and the courage to be you and trust yourself.

Like I said, I am sorry that you find yourself in your situation. I do wish that you can get through it and learn new things that help you to become a stronger, healthier and happier individual. It requires a lot of work, but it is all worth it.

You are loved.