Hi Angela D

Thanks for your post.

I am so glad that you listened to your heart and didn’t leave the relationship with unanswered questions. Hey, I am in no way a relationship guru but will offer my personal perspective on what I feel after reading your post. See if it resonates with you.

First of all, you need to stop beating yourself with the guilt that you have done something wrong. What is right or wrong and according to who ? It is the society’s conditioning, isn’t it ? Sometimes, we need to go beyond the environment and do what is important for our self growth. According to my 35 years of experience in this world, there are no absolutes. Every relationship, incident and person comes into our lives to teach us something valuable. If we learn our lessons, we grow and move forward. If we do not, we get stuck in the rut and all sorts of negative emotions take us over and we keep repeating the cycle of pain and suffering.

You are stuck in one of these cycles of creating negative emotions and that in turn determine your actions. For example, you have a need for love and stability in your mind but you feel guilty at the same time for a number of reasons ( personal beliefs, religious beliefs etc). This turns into insecurity and then you do actions that make you feel worse off and you go through the cycle again. You need to break the cycle and work from your higher self.

You shouldn’t feel guilty about giving into your lust. You felt love for this guy and you wanted to take it to the next level of relationship. What is wrong with this ? Yes, I understand you wanted to save yourself for your husband and that is very kind of you but sometimes, we need to go through an experience to evolve as a lover and person. You cannot keep crushing your needs that you felt at the time. There is a difference between a one night stand and what you did. In my eyes, neither are wrong. However, the emotion of guilt that you have created after fulfilling a need is not s right action. I hope you can keep only the happy memories of what happened between you and him during that time. Pls let go of the guilt. Once you are able to do this, you will feel so light and chilled.

You appear to function from a level of insecurity when it comes to this relationship. Again, there is nothing wrong if you are in a passive aggressive relationship and many people do well in such relationships. I do not do well in such relationships. I am not an insecure person and I do not need validation from my partner to make me feel special. I wasnt born with this trait. I have worked really hard on myself in my late twenties to be where I am today. All my failed relationships have taught me heaps and I have embraced each lesson to become the better person I am today. There is still more to learn though :). You can learn and grow too :).

Insecurity arises when we are stuck to the outcome rather than the process. We tend to work from negative belief systems such as that we need to chase things or people to get their attention and validation; actions speak louder than words (i am not denying this); if someone works on the road, they are in danger of some sort; people are out to get me; people do not care about my needs etc.

If you want to evolve from this relationship and become a better person in the long run then I suggest that you work on the guilt and insecurity. Develop new belief systems – my happiness is not dependent on someone else; I am safe and so are my loved ones; it is all happening for my highest good; I accept myself the way I am and I accept others as they are (with their positives and flaws as no one is perfect as a human); I give myself space and in the process, I give space to everyone around me; I am loved and I share my love with others regardless of their conditons.

When we become too pushy, demanding or fixated on outcomes, we forget to enjoy the present moment. We become engulfed with negativity if things do not go our ways. Sometimes, you gotta give things time and space to bloom. You don’t expect a seed to grow into a mango tree in days as this process takes years. So why are we always in a hurry to achieve an outcome in real life ? Why cant we let things just evolve and give them space they need to grow and show their real form ? This often happens when we are working from a lower self rather than our higher self.

Hey, you didn’t waste any time or energy. I think you have gained so much from the last few days but may not be aware of it as yet as you are still working from your underlying belief that his actions speak louder than words. Can you pls give this guy some space and time to be himself ? If you are not able to then I suggest you move on. Learn the lessons and work on self.

When you love yourself and respect yourself the most, no one can walk all over you or be fake around you as you vibrating positivity in the purest form. You are telling the next person that as I have accepted myself the way I am and happy in my own skin, I am happy to accept you as you are. Now, how wonderful is that ? No pretensions, no insecurities, no guilt, no fear or instability of mind.

Lastly, you should become such a positivity magnet that when a person with a foul mood comes into your presence (either physically, phone, social media etc), they should forget their negativity at the door. When this occurs, you do not work from a place of anger, unhappiness or guilt. You are a pure pleasure to be around 🙂 If we can all become such magnets, I think staying in love will become easy.

So 3 lessons that we can learn:
– you didnt waste time or do anything wrong. You have evolved from this experience for the better. There are no mistakes in life but only lessons. As long as we learn the lessons, we get to move to the next lesson that this Life School wants to teach us. If we don’t, we get stuck in the rut and need to repeat the lessons again.
– I am awesome and evolving. I am working on my self-esteem. I am learning to express my needs in an assertive rather than passive-aggressive manner.
– I am working from higher rather than lower self to preserve my harmony, peace and stability. I accept myself and everyone else as they are. I trust, respect, love myself and others effortlessly.

Does this help ?

Jasmine