Ashlie,

Mush chaos has been wrought upon you by the tumultuous side of society. Its grasp on you has been so firm that you’ve heartily adopted these false notions of yourself which have trapped you into this pit of despair. However, be at ease my dear, for none of this is your fault. We are meant to lack (positive) direction without the proper influences to help show us the way. In this truth, we are all together. You mention that your family cannot possibly know your struggle and while there is truth in your claim there is also untruth. The Buddha, among other deities and religions, teaches that all beings suffer (in one form or another). When you learn to see with your heart instead of just your eyes, you will find that everyone around you share a similar pain to yours. However, if you allow your entire being to be (spiritually) receptive, you will be able to sense the suffering that others have. When you do, you will find that the struggle is not yours alone but everyone’s. Once you accept this, once you feel this, you will never feel alone ever again. While knowing this does not simply solve our problems of loneliness, it does make it easier for us to approach and communicate with one other. It makes it easier for us to share and express our smiles, our warmth, our concerns and our love, among other things. To know that we are all on a path to seek our own harmony encourages us to support one another; and to love, to believe, to care and to inspire. ‘Togetherness’ is a concept and sensation most invaluable to our well beings and souls for the sake of our peace, joy and harmony.

As for your misrepresented labels of yourself (ugly, fat, pathetic), again, the destructive side of society is at fault for the unfair cruelty you’ve claimed of/on yourself. My dear, if you look deeper, if you scrub through all the grime, you will find a more positive side of society which promotes the ‘right’ messages you need to hear; that we all need to hear. Instead of being fed with ‘artificial’ concepts, the ‘positive’ society feeds you with wholesome notions that help surge your being into a state of true fulfillment. However, sometimes the damage it has caused to you (and many of us) is so great that the notions become nothing but faint whispers. Because of this, it has to be understood that when we make the decision to change our mentalities/attitudes that it will not happen overnight. All endeavors require time and effort for them to come to fruition. Martin Luther King Jr. did not become a humanitarian and activist by snapping his fingers, Prince Siddhartha Gautama did not become the Buddha by wishing it, Ghandi did not become a spiritual leader and being by not practicing it, Michael Jordan did not become a great basketball player by sitting on his couch, J. K. Rowling did not write her masterpiece by not putting in the effort, etc…All took time and effort to arrive at their states of being. You, too, must do the same if you wish to change and for things to change. You mention that you wait for something to come along, and while possible that something may indeed come along, the chances are that your life will remain stagnant if you continue to exhibit a stagnant routine. However, I understand that taking an action is not simple when we have been ‘beaten down’ for prolonged periods of time. Like all things, though, baby steps are how we always begin.

Before we could run we first had to walk, before we could read we first learned the alphabet, before we could speak we first learned words, before we could cook we first learned (the many) ingredients, before we knew danger we first had to experience (some of) its pain, etc…The same applies with your journey to happiness. Keeping the body healthy requires that we feed it with nutritious foods, the same applies to your mind. Everyday try to think of one positive thing about your life or anything for that matter. Perform a small good act, no matter how small. But, most importantly, be mindful, be in the moment when you do so. Changing yourself does not necessarily mean one or a few large acts must be performed, numerous small acts are just as great and grand. Continue to do one small positive action, physical or mental, and, in time, you will come to see about great change. Again, remember that this is to be a long term endeavor. When it comes to our harmony, there is no ‘quick & easy-fix-it’. All delicate things require time and careful nurturing; and our lives are such delicate things. As for motherhood/companionship, as I once said, I refuse to believe that we cannot find one person to share our lives with when there is 7 billion people on this planet. However, this is one of my personal beliefs. We may not all agree on this sentiment. As advice, as I once stated to another member, though, a dating site may help. I have heard of many wonderful stories that have culminated from those who have pursued this route and I personally highly support this structure and approach. Anything that promotes positive human interaction has my encouragement. Perhaps this may help you. However, as Moongal has stated, even obtaining these two desires of yours may not solve the root of all your problems. While we may never be completely whole, we should take care in executing (large) tasks which harbor the possibility of creating additional and/or unforeseen grand life changes. And if they should, they may instead come to instill further chaos within us if we do not have good anchorage of ourselves.

Ashlie, we all possess the ability to shape our lives the way we want it to. It simply needs our efforts to make it so. If you wish to have a fulfilling life, you must take the action to do so. To re-summarize, recognize the suffering in everyone, act with compassion, take small positive steps each day and be in the moment when you do so. Belief in yourself also goes a long way.

I wish you all the best and apologize for any grammatical errors I may have made as I have a tendency of thinking faster than I type, a poor habit I must remedy. Good luck!

Al