Jasmine,

I’m sorry for your suffering, dear sister, and can understand how difficulties can leave us feeling hopeless sometimes. Its great that you’re trying meditation, that can often lead to greater awareness, which is helpful in learning what is happening inside us. From your description, its tough to know what’s going on. Could you explain a little more about what is actually happening? My guess (and its just a guess) is that your mind becomes ensnared by some thought or vision, and as it rests there, produces some difficult emotions, painful emotions. Or, it may go the other way, such as the body being full of an agitating emotion, and the mind blossoms again and again with thoughts that reflect that emotion. Like a balloon filling up with a stinky gas.

Don’t despair though, dear Jasmine, there is always a path to joy. Could you break down your journey of sorrows into a specific event? Such as what is going on in your body today? What are you feeling? What are the thoughts around the feeling? What do you fear?

Meditation can help us develop a strength of will to be able to do other things with our mental energy. But, we still have to figure out how to aim our intention, what to hold close, and what to let go. This is why being a little more specific will help. Consider, telling us who you are is not a sob story, its just laying out what is. If we want to sob alongside you a little, that’s our right. 🙂 Said differently, pouring out the truth of what we’re experiencing is not self indulgent, and don’t be afraid to let it out, no matter what it is.

Finally, consider switching from “meditation” in general to specifically metta meditation. Metta is the feeling of friendly warmth inside our chest area, and is something we can grow. Like a tender seed of happiness, as we sit and think friendly thoughts, imagine our loved ones happy, and wishing for our own happiness, our mind becomes peaceful and smooth over time. This produces a lovely fertile ground inside us, and often will quiet the storms. Sometimes when we become ensnared in pain, we get a “racing mind” that quickly snuffs out our inner light. Metta helps quiet the mind and rekindle that light, which makes us intrepid, stable, and happy. Consider “Sharon Salzburg guided metta meditation” on YouTube if interested.

I can hear in your words just how powerful a being you are, Jasmine, and hope you find some peace of mind soon. Namaste, sister, may your clouds be fluffy and sparse.

With warmth,
Matt