Tinyzebra, I can relate so much! And let me tell you, I felt a surge of admiration for you when you noted that you deserve more than you were getting from this relationship. What strength you have! In my experience, what you are feeling is quite “common” as far as wishing he’d call and then beating yourself up for wishing that in the first place. I think it’s important to keep in mind the things that troubled you while you were in the relationship. And yes, it was a relationship, whether you officially defined it as such or not. While you don’t want to dwell on negativity, sometimes it helps to keep a realistic perspective instead of focusing on those happy moments you had with him. My relationship ended in December, though it was a very painful last year+ before that. For my birthday in April 2013, my partner gave me a journal. I was excited to have a forum to write my hopes, dreams, daily gratitude. To express my creativity. Instead, it turned into a 160 page catalog of all the pain, sorrow, anxiety, frustration and disappointment I experienced in that relationship. I had it right before my eyes, this relationship was ALL WRONG. Yet it’s taken me the last six months to feel even remotely “normal” where I’m not crying every day, obsessively checking my phone to see if he’s texted, hoping each email will be from him, etc. I, too, wanted that grand apology. But I think you get a pretty good sense of who a person is and how they operate in a relationship after the amount of time you spent with him. I don’t think people change that dramatically, at least not without tremendous work on their part. So even if he were to call and say he made a mistake, would you just be setting yourself up for more of the same if you went back?

You may find this link helpful: http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/should-i-give-him-a-second-chance-or-a-3rd-4th-20th/ Everything on the Baggage Reclaim site is really great. Though I am trying to limit my time on there and even on this message board because while I think it’s good to commisserate and relate to have my feelings validated, I don’t want to miss out on the joy of life right before me while I spin my wheels in my head about my relationship and my ex.

Hang in there. It DOES get easier, I promise.