Hi everyone,

First and foremost, thank each and every one of you for taking the time to read and respond. You have no idea (or maybe you do) how helpful it has been to hear that what I’m going through isn’t entirely singular in many ways. It’s funny because we all know that our experiences are shared–how else would there be so many songs/poems/expressions of heartbreak out there–but it’s an easy fact to forget in the self-centric world of despair.

The Ruminant: Thank you for sharing your own story and experience. Your comment about being aware of the loss of control has been so incredibly helpful to me. When I get overwhelmed, I am trying to remember that I can feel the pain/fear and trust that nothing terrible is going to happen to me. I’ve especially found it helpful to think through what exact things are causing me pain and making me fearful. Thank you so much for your kind words.

Chris: It was very helpful to hear your different perspective. When I think about the fact that as much as he loved me, he needed to love himself more, it helps calm many negative feelings and try to come at the situation from a place of empathy. I can see how our toxic relationship was also affecting his sense of self-love, and I appreciate you shining a light on that for me.

Lada/jdkm: Thank you for sharing your stories. It makes me feel so much less alone and reminds me that my feelings are validated. It still really does feel unfathomable that things will always be this way, but it’s nice to hear that 1) that feeling is normal and 2) it too shall pass.

I’ve been thinking a lot about what everyone has said and reading about acceptance and control. Sometimes I feel like I’m focusing so much on being in this zen place and it is just so unnatural for me..but I’m trying to bring as much of it into my life as feels comfortable. I feel like I’ve been blaming myself so much for what happened. While I can see that he was unhappy and that I behaved in completely unacceptable ways, I have been reflecting on the relationship and realize that I haven’t been some terrible monster through and through. I really did care so much about his life and well-being, I tried to be as supportive as possible. The way he left, so suddenly and completely–without any real conversation–left me feeling like I must have been so awful to him that he had to flee. But I see that I gave him outs. I would tell him that I felt my unhappiness was bleeding into his own life, that I thought it might be best for him to leave and find happiness. I can also understand that during these conversations, he likely stayed because he loved me and also didn’t want to abandon me or make me feel unloved.

While I’m not angry for him for leaving, I do feel very very hurt. I feel hurt that I can’t contact him and ask him for more clarity…I sometimes feel like a chump for sitting around hoping for a future and not knowing if he even wants the same. I’m trying right now to figure out what kind of person I am and how I want to handle things in my life, but I feel very upset for having been left with no answers, no indication of the future. I wonder if I am foolish for thinking this person was The/A Love of My Life when he left so unceremoniously. I want to tell him how I feel, but keep battling voices in my head to keep it in until we speak in 3 months or just tell him how I feel now/in one month. If he is moving on and has no hope to reconcile, I just want to know so I can move on.

I take responsibility for my huge part in making him unhappy. I can’t help but sometimes wish that he had sat me down and said, “I love you but I need you to love yourself. I still want to be with you but I can’t right now” or even “I’m unhappy. I can’t do this anymore. We need to end all contact for good.” But then again, maybe he doesn’t know what he wants right now. Obviously, I can’t control the way things played out..and I’m sorry if I’m rambling here. It has just been making me feel uneasy and unloved to have been left in that way. I feel frustrated that I can’t contact him and that this has to be on his terms. At the same time, I realize he was hurting and was unhappy…I just wish I had a clearer idea of what was going on in his head presently and at the time of the break up. It’s eerie to feel so removed and strange to someone who you used to know so well. I had contacted him last week sometime on my work phone and left a message basically saying I had some questions about what happened and even though we aren’t supposed to be talking, some answers would really help me move forward. He didn’t respond. I get it…but also, in some ways I don’t get it. Does that make sense? I feel a little nuts.

At what point do we accept things as they are and at what point do we actively go after things we want? Thanks you all again for being so kind and sharing your stories. I’m so happy I found this community =) And again, sorry all my long-winded musings!