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First of all Nami, I am sorry for your pain. As a man who was married to a woman with the same issues, I finally came to the realization that being in the toxic relationship was killing me physically and emotionally. I found that the longer I stayed in the relationship, the less I loved myself. Finally, as much as I wanted to “help” my wife change, I can only be responsible for my own life changes. While I still loved my wife, I loved me more and ended the marriage.
Working on “you” as you have started doing is the best approach as you can’t fix what you don’t acknowledge. Join any groups that can help you with this, e.g. Codependency, AAA, etc. Once you learn to love yourself, you will find the love you deserve. It’s not easy to change your ways for a healthy life, but you are worth it!
Allow me to tell you about how I see how our problems in relationships might develop.
When we are children, we’re pretty open to new experiences. We might be shy, but the need to explore the world around us is more important than not doing it due to any fears. Unfortunately, things will start to happen which cause pain and fear in us. We grow up with adults who have their own baggage from their lives and those affect us as well. We need to feel secure, safe, shielded from all of the harms, and so we need to develop some kind of defenses for ourselves. Some people need them more than others. Some grow up in environments that are very harsh and the only way to survive is to dissociate from reality or become very aggressive or create a completely different personality and so on. People adapt and they will do what ever they can to survive.
Those learned survival tactics stay with us. Passive-aggressive manipulation techniques in relationships or even violence or what ever we have found to be useful. Unfortunately, those tactics can make our lives, and the lives of those around us, a living hell. But they are our shield, and we don’t let down our shields easily. The more fearful, scared or distrusting child there is within us, the less chances there are that we will let our guard down. It’s not even just that, but a fearful person will gravitate towards other fearful persons and when those two try to start letting their guards down, it’s rather likely that one of them will freak out and go back on the defense, thus hurting both of them. Relationships become impossible.
You say that you wish that he would’ve said something before. Chances are that he actually did, but you didn’t hear it the way he meant it to be heard. These defense mechanisms work very efficiently, and if they detect that you might be under any threat, being told that you are in the wrong or need to change, the fear of abandonment or rejection can be so big that it’s easier to just not hear what is being said and go into denial. More and more even more elaborate defenses must be built in our psyche to cover for the mistakes made by us. It’s like building a house on top of a very shaky base. You don’t want it to collapse, and if you can do a bit more shoddy work here and there to prevent the gusts of wind from taking the whole thing down, you’ll do exactly that. You’re not going to take it down and start over…unless there is no other choice. That is why any event that will make you completely collapse is a chance to start fresh and build something much more solid this time around. You wouldn’t have changed if he had just asked. You know that drastic measures were needed.
When defenses are taken down and you end up exposed, raw, hurt and confused, it will feel surreal and scary. Your mind will try to desperately figure out a way to adapt and find some way to shield you. Be mindful of that. Don’t take the easy way or the childish way. You’re not a child anymore, so you can build yourself up again with the help of rational thinking and a compassionate heart. Be kind to yourself and let love in. Nurture your soul that’s been exposed. You will no doubt over-think things, but it’s also good to allow everything to just be. Wu wei, non-action, can be very healing to someone who always tries to control everything.
When I said that I was never able to let go of him, I meant that I tried to force myself to “let go”. But it was impossible, so I was in this fight with myself. “Let go. I can’t. I must. I can’t.” In the end, I found it more useful to just let go of that fight. What is, is, and what will be, will be. I couldn’t forcefully let go of the thoughts and desires, and if I tried, it was the same as suppressing them. Any such aggressive action will be met with a reaction. Like a pendulum swinging violently back and forth. So it’s better to let things be. Just being still, even when your heart is aching so much that you want to howl, is very rewarding. By all means, howl if you need to, but don’t try to control the feeling. Allowing the feelings to just pass through your whole being, and then noticing that you didn’t die will help you understand how unnecessary many of the shields have been. I think a lot of us are so afraid of painful feelings that we just block them. So they stay within us, never released.
Don’t be surprised if you open up these floodgates and you are starting to get flashbacks from other past events. Just allow them to come and go as well. They might hurt you on their way through your mind, but they will pass. They’ll only linger if you get obsessed with them.
I firmly believe that you can over time change your life. You as a person will not change, but you can change the way you respond to yourself and to the world. Your unique personality will light up in a different way when it’s fueled with love, as opposed to fear.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 