Hi Chelsea,

what I meant to write was this: often it is only through relationships how we find out who we are, what we have got used to expect from others, and what we expect relationship to be. Its only when acting next to someone different from ourselves that we get to know the assumptions and expectations we carry inside of us – and get the chance to evaluate them.

You write, “I feel like he should be wanted to be next to me since we hardly ever see each other anyway”.

We can’t set the boundaries on other people how they should or should not feel or behave. Most of your boyfriends actions aren’t meant to make you feel anything – his actions are based on his needs. The way you feel – and the way you handle the feelings you face – is always up to you. His actions may bring up these feelings in you – but he’s not the one creating them.

Instead it seems like you’re both now facing the expectations you have towards each other and the relationship had. Question is, where are these expectations based on? Are the things you’re asking based on your real needs (you really don’t spend time together, or lack intimacy, fun etc.), or are they based on your fears (I want him to show me his love in this or that way, or otherwise I feel insecure)?

Are you happy for who he is as a person, and how he shows he’s love? And if not, what is the need you think him showing his love differently would fulfill? Is it something he actually is responsible over (for example you feeling special)? Are you unhappy because the way he acts – or because you have a script in your mind he doesn’t seem to follow?

Of course you are the one setting the boundaries on how you let other people to treat you. And you have every right to ask people to take notice on your feelings and act respectful towards you. But very often the first person we need to train to respect ourselves is – ourselves. That is – we too often concentrate on other people’s actions and feelings. When the only feelings and actions we are responsible over are our very own. We often expect, too, others to give us the respect we should actually provide ourselves.

Good luck 🙂