Hi Kelly,

No need to apologize, you bring up a good point. When he came over to say goodbye, it was an understandably emotional conversation where I was pretty hysterical at first–lots of crying and admitting I needed to work on myself, is there anything I can do–and then I switched over to a forced acceptance. I told him I was going to work on myself. He told me I needed to do it for me; I told him I would but I didn’t think this was the end of our story together. “I’m coming for you!” I said, in an attempt to lighten the mood and feel like I had some control. I’m not sure where his head is at right now. I know he doesn’t want our story to end here. That’s not the impression I got when we spoke..but he might think it’s over. He didn’t want to speak for 18 months, but I said that seemed like a bizarre arbitrary number. He agreed and set a new arbitrary 3 month mark based on his phone block and I asked if we could re-evaluate our situation there. He said we’ll talk in 3 months and he was looking forward to it, but we’re not just broken up for 3 months–we’re broken up. He seemed to keep dodging having to directly acknowledge my request to “revisit our situation” then. I asked him to try and keep his heart and mind open to the idea, and he seemed to acquiesce. When I asked why we couldn’t separate for 3 months, he said he didn’t want me to use him as a crutch. He then said he didn’t want to be with anyone else, above all he wanted to be in a healthy relationship with me. I asked if this was it forever and he said, “I thought that when you broke up, you had to close chapters on people.” I acknowledged that that is how I normally functioned, but I couldn’t do it with him just yet.

While reflecting on that conversation in the past week, I have come to see that I was hearing what I wanted to hear. Still, I don’t think things are completely over. If we speak in 3 months and he doesn’t want to/isn’t ready to try again, I will have to understand that. I hope to be in a place where I can better handle that if it is his decision. I’m not sure why else he would want to speak in 3 months if he didn’t think there was a chance. Knowing him, he would cut me off for much longer I’d think. I still think about contacting him after a month or so has passed to see how he is doing and tell him everything I’m thinking about, but I want to respect his wishes. I would like to contact him in a month though and ask if there’s a chance at all that he would want to revisit our separation…I’m not sure if you have any thoughts on that, but I’m open to hearing them. Part of me just wants to know for sure if he is closed to the idea right now so I can move on.

I’m trying to accept I don’t know what he will be doing in the next 3 months, how he will think about us or his life. I know I need to accept that for now, he is gone. I’m not sure what will happen in 3 months honestly, but I think the fact that he is willing to talk then is some hope. But I agree, I don’t want to sit around waiting to get better just for him. It’s been a real wake up call, that’s for sure. I hope that in 3 months, if I still want to be with him–if I feel like I still want him that badly in my life, I can express that to him and deal with rejection if it comes. That hope is there for now though. I want to see if in 3 months, if he still wants a healthy relationship with me and is willing to work on that together. This is also dependent on where I’m at in 3 months, which is the most major factor.

As much as I try to accept what is going on, I still feel in denial. I want to be able to work on myself and then when we speak, say what I need and want to say and accept what comes after that… I feel like I sound like a child. There are good moments and bad ones; right now I’m having a bad one and it feels like there is a huge hole in my heart. Some days I feel like I get it, other days I am just so confused about what has happened.