Ayame,

First of all, thank you for being a teacher. None of us are perfect, and even someone with a racing mind can shine light into the hearts and minds of children. If that fantasy “someone” shows up saying you shouldn’t teach, feel free to give them a kick in the whooha. Or a hug, god knows the world needs more of those. 🙂

Sometimes when we have issues with mental fixation, it leads to exactly what you’re describing. For instance, your mind was stuck looking at the work as though that was what was needed, and you were ignoring the need. So, the whole time you were out, each breath gets compared to “what should be happening”, and on and on the mind clings, cycles, and creates clouds. “Why aren’t I working”, “why aren’t I enjoying”, “why do I do this instead of that” and so forth and so on. Whew!

Often, this happens for a few reasons. First, some fear is pushing the fixation itself… afraid that something bad will happen, afraid that we lose value, afraid we’re wasting time… it varies, but something like that pushes.

A shot in the dark is that perhaps you undervalue how important self nurturing is, how important it is to step away from work when we feel like doing so. Our body doesn’t want to be pushed to the breaking point, its not good for it. When we are relaxed, fluid minded, and open, our work becomes simple, fun, like building something beautiful. When we become overstressed, it becomes a mountain we feel we have to climb. This is why its important to be kind, gentle, and tender with ourselves. All work and no play makes the mind dull, lethargic.

It reminds me of a quote I heard (attributed to MLK Jr) “I have so much to do, if I didn’t spend a lot of time praying, I’d never get it all done). Basically, self nurturing helps us meet our work with freshness, and is an important part of being alive. Also, as a teacher, you’re exposed to higher than normal levels of stress, lots of homework, making it hard to turn off, unwind. All these conditions lead to cloudy mind, empathy fatigue, burnout and so forth. So, what to do?

Consider starting a metta meditation practice. Metta is the feeling of inner warm friendship that glows in the chest area, and produces a smooth and peaceful mind. When we practice metta, the mental momentum settles, decreasing the potency of our discursive thoughts. Said differently, if racing mind is like a spooked mare galloping along a path and crashing into brush and trees, bruising… then metta could be described as what removes all the brush and trees from around the mare, so that she quickly realizes there is little to be scared of. Then, maybe she goes an nips at some grass, smells a flower. Consider “Sharon Salzburg guided metta meditation” on YouTube, if interested. Once a day for a week, and you’ll certainly notice the difference. Twice a day for a week, and I’ll bet your wings will sprout. 🙂

Finally, when you notice that your mind is racing, what you can do is move your attention away from the thoughts, and into the feeling of breath in your body. Feel the air move past your nostrils, cooling the cavity back behind your eyes, or the rising and falling of your abdomen. Thoughts are only ripples in the mind, and you can’t beat them with “different ideas”. Rather, we move our attention away from them, and the ripples settle.

Namaste, dear friend, may your heart lead your mind toward tenderness.

With warmth,
Matt