Angie –
Have you made any promises to your husband that you would not cheat on him? If so, you aren’t doing the right thing carrying on in the relationship with your ex. If you haven’t made any specific promises or agreements regarding other relationships than you should do what you feel is best for you. Understandably being in a sexless marriage is no fun, and listening to complaints doesn’t make the day any better either; however, the suffering for both you and your husband can stop – today, right now. You can choose to stop suffering as it truly is optional. We choose to suffer, to mull, to stew. It takes just as much energy to move our thoughts into a positive motion. Instead of “Ugh, he’s drinking soda again?” Think, “That’s his choice, I choose to continue to love him, I am not attached to changing him or making him be the person I want him to be. I choose to love him exactly as he is.” If you don’t love him, or choose to love him, then it is perhaps time for you to part from your husband – but if you choose to love him, then stop being attached to him being any certain way. Choosing to love means choosing every part of the person, that doesn’t mean you need to accept any consequences on your partner’s behalf, it can mean putting your arm out and holding distance while continuing to choose love. We can never demand love from another, it just doesn’t work that way – we can accept a person’s love when they choose to love us.
It seems as though you are also suffering due to the relationship with your ex as well. The thoughts, the texts, the longing….all suffering, the short term reactions might feel good, but the morning you don’t receive the text that says “Good morning beautiful” – how will it feel? Will it be agony and wondering until you hear something, know something? Suffering – it’s optional.
If I were in your situation I would think about my agreements and promises made. Think about the type of suffering I am enduring, and opt for a life of concious, logical decisions not based on emotions and I would stop having any attachment to the way things should be – rather create positivity and light with every word, every action and every thought.
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