Hi Cyd,
First, I’m sorry you are going through these issues, but I think it’s really encouraging that you are reaching out. Realize that you are in control of you. You can change anything about you, you can do anything or be anything that you want. What you are dreaming of is not unattainable or unrealistic. I would humbly suggest that you seek out a counselor or therapist who can guide you through the difficult changes that you want to manifest. Don’t give up on yourself…change your inner dialogue to affirming that you are worthy of happiness. Treat your self with kindness and compassion as you have started to do with your post. Best of luck…Sojourner