Dear friend,

I do agree the answers above: it seems that what is missing in your relationship is true respect and admiration between the two of you – and eventually you must move on, because there is no way to get things on healthy bases it seems. That isn’t because either of you is a bad person or incapable to have a relationship – no. It is only because because both of you seem to have things you still need to work on on your own.

The reason I’m writing is because I felt so much compassion to your story: it is so easy to say “no, that’s not healthy” or “don’t you have any self respect” – when the truth is we are all here in our path when it comes to growing up. I myself was closer to 30 than 20 when I finally started to realize what love is (or isn’t) – not to say respect towards to yourself or others.

First of all: don’t blame yourself. You’ve found someone to grow with, and even though he doesn’t seem to be treating you the way anyone deserves to be treated (with respect), he obviously likes you (as being with you). What he’s blaming you on, though, (weight, cleaning, money etc.) reflects his inner problems instead of having anything to do with you.

His actions and attitudes seem to tell the same: he is still lost in himself too – and that’s why he reflects his needs, fears and expectations to you instead of loving you (or himself!) with open heart. The lack of respect, too, is most often something we show to others when not being in touch with ourselves.

We all start somewhere. And when not knowing ourselves, we start to find out who we are in a relation to others. Three years spent in this relationship have made you learn things – but in order to advance it seems important for you to move on. It does sound harsh, but I also did spent too much time in my first relationship – simply because I had nothing to compare it with. And when you have nothing to compare it with, I know it’s hard to say what is normal and what is not.

What is sure though is (I believe strongly) is that you’re not able to have a good relationship as long as you haven’t learn to respect yourself. Some of us may have this ability from the beginning, but some of us are left to learn the lesson by ourselves. It’s no one to blame – we just all play with the cards in our hands.

So please do gather your courage and take the step. You seem smart and goodhearted girl, and deserve all the respect, love and happiness in this life. I myself also learned to love by first loving others – just to realize, that all this love I was giving out eventually wasn’t authentic love, but a reflection of my needs. Good thing is it made me realize my needs of being loved, accepted and safe – and how I should find these things from myself before being able to live on other person’s side.

Things look very different when being inside of a relationship compared to the perspective had when not. But I ensure you: no matter how much good there now seems to be in your life, it won’t look like that after having a distance anymore. You have a companion, who has said awful things to you and haven’t treated you with respect anyone deserves. This isn’t a healthy base for a relationship, and in time you will be able to see it too. There is no mr. rights we could find or loose: only teachers that will stay on our side the time needed to learn the lesson.

You know having learned the lessons when you find yourself able to really choose the person you want to see on your side as equal companion – not just someone you need things from.

You’re not his maid but your own, amazing person who should now concentrate on your studies and growing instead of cleaning his place for money.