Thank you for your response Ruminant.

I actually have that book! I’ve done quite a lot of mindfulness meditation on and off over the last ten years. I suppose I should try and stick with it for longer periods and then I might see some effects. I tend to do it and then I have a rough patch and I can’t bear to sit with myself because I just sit there and berate myself for everything that is wrong with me and get upset so then I stop and then it takes me awhile to come back round to trying it again. I haven’t yet found a way to stick with it through the rough patches. When I get into those places my feelings of despair and hopelessness and desperately trying to figure out a way to fix myself are so strong that I can’t be mindful – I don’t even want to be mindful because it doesn’t feel like the answer and I can’t see how it helps when I am in that place. I struggle so grasp how it helps when I am not in that place because I haven’t really felt much benefit from what I have done. I’ve been on and off the mindfulness wagon so many times that I start to get a sinking now when I contemplate trying it again because it just doesn’t seem to be something that I am able to stick with and get any benefit from. I’m just not sure I’m in a good enough mental/emotional place to be able to do it. It feels like I need to take other steps before I am strong enough to meditate but I don’t know what those steps are.