Thank you Matt. Your words have always been so supportive and caring. It scares me to read them and not feel uplifted.

The sword of Damocles is hovering above my head and will soon fall. I’m not sure when and where, but it’s coming. I have reached a position of significant power and authority within my workplace, but I’m afraid it’s been ill-gotten. I make assumptions, I’m not direct, I don’t always speak truthfully, I gossip, I play politics, but I’m so driven by my ego for more wealth, more power, more control, I don’t even realize I’m doing it, until after it’s done. The truth will come out. People will see me for what I am. I can’t believe it hasn’t happened already.

“With great power comes great responsibility” and “Uneasy the head that wears the crown” are two statements that come to mind. I reached too high too fast and now I’m paying the price. However, those around me are encouraging to me push farther and higher and I really, I don’t feel like I want to anymore. Not if it means that much anxiety and fear – people will see me as I truly am – a cowering, lazy, and spineless individual who tries to please everyone around him, pleasing no one in the end and spreading more discontent and anxiety.

My gf thought me strong and powerful – a man of confidence and conviction, strength. Now she’s seen me at my lowest and depressed and because she wasn’t able to relieve my stress or anxiety, I’ve started harboring resentment and anger towards her. I’m angry and guilty at the same time. I swing between wanting to be strong and win her respect to feelings of anger and dislike. I have let her down and I wish I could be that strong individual again, but my resources are depleted. I’ve been whipped and exposed, now I must pay the price.

The world would be better off without me causing everyone so much worry and stress – making situations more complicated and difficult than they need to be.

Is this just a voice in my head or is there some truth to this? My resources depleted, I don’t know whether it’s day or night anymore. If I expound my sins, maybe I’ll be relieved of these feelings of guilt and shame. Why doesn’t something or someone just put me away for good so I can do no harm no more.

But for now, I’m going for walk.