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Past catching up with me

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Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 16 total)
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  • #58145
    John
    Participant

    It’s been a while since I’ve posted here, but this community has helped in the past and I’m hoping it can help me again.

    Everything was going pretty well in life last year. Work was good, studying was going well, health was good, friends were good, love life was good.

    Then it all started to crumble – work got really hard, I couldn’t keep up and I burned my self out trying to juggle work, life, and school. Past anxieties and mental health issues started to creep in again. The relationship is a cold and distant dance we play around each other. Friends are few and there’s no one really to turn to in a time of crisis. My health and physique are deteriorating.

    Now I feel very much alone and not sure what to do. I just started medication, taking a break from work, trying to work on the relationship, but things seems to be getting worse and not better. My mind goes to very dark and scary places. There’s a really strong desire for all of this to end. I’ve been in bad place before, but never this bad. Is this rock bottom or can it get worse? Do I need to hit rock bottom?

    I realize this is short, but my mind is just not working right and I could really use some sage advice.

    #58148
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Life is unpredictable but dont expect that this is to be indeed the rock bottom – the more you believe, the more it will become a rock bottom. Consider this as a momentary wave while living and also as a lesson for your needs. Its a cry from inside that you need to really re-evaluate some situations and your expectations, attitudes from them. Talk to a healthcare professional as well. This will pass..stay strong 🙂 In fact, take a tiny vacation to a new place – the change will do you some good- maybe go see your family or have a crazy fun day with friends. When was the last time you did something fun and new with friends? 🙂

    #58151
    Matt
    Participant

    John,

    Its good to hear from you, though I’m sorry that your circumstances have become difficult. John, I know you know things that you’ve forgotten, stopped believing, stopped practicing. That’s OK, and normal, dear brother, and your stress-gazm makes sense. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

    Consider that when we take the appropriate time to self nurture, such as meditation, walks in nature, listening to soft music, and so forth, we make space for the day’s ripples to unwind, relax. This is sometimes called “growing the tender shoots of compassion” or “of dharma”. If we stop good self care habits, we end up moving closer and closer to burnout. (Ie, an afflicted mental state… look around, say hi!)

    The great news is you’re poised perfectly for breakthrough. You’re in the center of your maze, and panicked enough to let it go. My suggestion, sit right down and rekindle your heartsong. Intentionally set down the past, set down the future (illusions, history, dreams, fears) and just sit. “Sharon Salzburg guided metta meditation” on YouTube. Grow some happiness intentionally.

    Remember, these situations you’re in, have been through aren’t the source of the icky feelings. The icky feelings are from the ripples in the pool becoming intense, the mind running here, there and everywhere. Like a mare, over exhausted, frothing, seeking shelter and comfort. Take off the saddle, the pushing need to be elsewhere, and just breathe. That’s when you’ll be able to laugh, to play. Too see your life without dread, and instead see just how fertile it is, you are.

    Namaste, brother, the light always dims when the fuel runs low.

    With warmth,
    Matt

    #58152
    John
    Participant

    We will be taking a vacation together soon, but there’s so much fear and anxiety that’s it not going to make everything better. I’m afraid of doing or saying the wrong thing. I’m harboring so much anger and resentment it comes out in very hurtful ways. I want to get go and not have any expectations of anyone or anything. Just to be good and kind and loving and be loved, but it’s really hard. The more love I try to show and give, the more passive-aggressiveness there is within me. Everything looks so bleak and dreary and if I could just let go and be free that would be amazing. Everyone says I need to work at it and I need to take action, and I want to, but no matter what I do or say, it’s not fixing the situation. In fact, I think it makes it worse. The anxiety and fear are still there. I want to look at my girlfriend, my job, my food, my life in the same positive and open way I did before, but I feel very closed off and scared. It’s like everything is covered with an ugly veil. There’s no attraction or pull towards anything or anyone. I used to see the beauty and positive in everything, now I’m grasping at straws just to enjoy some of the most basic pleasures of life.

    #58154
    Matt
    Participant

    Yes john… that veil is the maze, like clouds in the brain. Why do you have it? Why don’t you let the clouds pass? Stop trying to reach back to what you had, and breathe alongside what you do have.

    From a different direction, perhaps you are trying so hard to be loving that you’ve forgotten how to play. Isn’t it awesome how relationships bring up the hidden goop for cleaning? What a great chance you have!

    #58155
    John
    Participant

    Thank you Matt. Your words have always been so supportive and caring. It scares me to read them and not feel uplifted.

    The sword of Damocles is hovering above my head and will soon fall. I’m not sure when and where, but it’s coming. I have reached a position of significant power and authority within my workplace, but I’m afraid it’s been ill-gotten. I make assumptions, I’m not direct, I don’t always speak truthfully, I gossip, I play politics, but I’m so driven by my ego for more wealth, more power, more control, I don’t even realize I’m doing it, until after it’s done. The truth will come out. People will see me for what I am. I can’t believe it hasn’t happened already.

    “With great power comes great responsibility” and “Uneasy the head that wears the crown” are two statements that come to mind. I reached too high too fast and now I’m paying the price. However, those around me are encouraging to me push farther and higher and I really, I don’t feel like I want to anymore. Not if it means that much anxiety and fear – people will see me as I truly am – a cowering, lazy, and spineless individual who tries to please everyone around him, pleasing no one in the end and spreading more discontent and anxiety.

    My gf thought me strong and powerful – a man of confidence and conviction, strength. Now she’s seen me at my lowest and depressed and because she wasn’t able to relieve my stress or anxiety, I’ve started harboring resentment and anger towards her. I’m angry and guilty at the same time. I swing between wanting to be strong and win her respect to feelings of anger and dislike. I have let her down and I wish I could be that strong individual again, but my resources are depleted. I’ve been whipped and exposed, now I must pay the price.

    The world would be better off without me causing everyone so much worry and stress – making situations more complicated and difficult than they need to be.

    Is this just a voice in my head or is there some truth to this? My resources depleted, I don’t know whether it’s day or night anymore. If I expound my sins, maybe I’ll be relieved of these feelings of guilt and shame. Why doesn’t something or someone just put me away for good so I can do no harm no more.

    But for now, I’m going for walk.

    #58159
    Matt
    Participant

    Don’t be afraid, brother, I’m not trying to uplift you. I’m trying to show you how to uplift yourself. You’re a fricken champion, man, and are talking doom and gloom because you’re not perfect all the time? I yelled at my daughter this morning, does that mean I am a worthless being? That all my efforts helping others, reaching out, pouring compassion… all for naught?

    To be frank, brother, you’re just being dumb. You’re grabbing onto your mistakes instead of forgiving them, which makes the path much harder to walk. Even the best people make mistakes, even champions get burned out. Not permanent, not doom… just clouds that youre not letting go of. Silly boy.

    #58160
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Hi, John. I’m Aiyana (i-yawn-na). Sometimes people aren’t just stressed or moody. I agree with Matt when I say that you should keep staying positive. You will have dark moments, unfortunately, but things WILL GET BETTER. I guarantee you. I’ve been single my entire life and while I never dated, I know that relationships take a WHOLE lot of work. Judging by what you wrote in a post or two, it doesn’t sound as if your girlfriend or your wife is doing her part in the relationship. Relationships are all about give and take. So if one person does all of the work, then no one is going to be anywhere. I know I sound like a love guru, even though I’ve never been in a romantic partnership, but again, things will look up for you.

    Judging by your writing, you’ve made great progress. Live, laugh, love.

    #58169
    John
    Participant

    Thank you so much for this out pouring of support. It’s amazing to find so many kind hearted souls out there.


    @Matt
    I am being silly I know. This molehill has turned into a mountain and it feels like my world is coming to an end. I don’t know why I blame myself for everything and why I’m not able to forgive myself for my mistakes, but like a scared dog, lie belly up and submit to whatever punishment may or may not come. Letting go of fear and anger is so difficult.

    @Aiyana My gf has been very supportive in the ways that she knows how. I can’t blame her for that nor can I expect anything more than she’s already giving. She’s her own person too and needs to maintain some semblance of herself while I go through this shit – whatever this is.

    The walk did me good. It didn’t feel 100% right at the time, but I’m reaping the benefits now.

    I’m glad I can turn to you for help and encouragement when I need it.

    #58171
    jdkm
    Participant

    I’d like to make a very simple suggestion – might be perceived as over-simplistic.. You sound exhausted by everything that’s going on – can you take a break? From everything? I am someone who doesn’t like sleeping – and sleeping used to cause more anxiety than peace – but I’ve recently realised what a substantial difference good sleep and rest makes. Can you take a couple of days off work, perhaps even away from your girlfriend and just do absolutely nothing? When we’re tired (not just from lack of sleep – tired from having to deal with everything all the time), we feel less capable to deal with things. A day or two of just stopping from everything might work wonders – it won’t solve the problems, but it might give you the energy to start tackling them!

    Stay strong.
    JDKM

    #58172
    Matt
    Participant

    John,

    Yeah, lying belly up is a goofy way to try to walk. Perhaps you’re taking yourself a little too seriously?

    A better direction to aim in my opinion is thus: Be a king, The King, all you want, but remember that the crown really only means you are the servant of the kingdom. Its not about you, its about what has been entrusted to you. Want less belly up feeling? Don’t jab at the bellies of others. Knock the judge off the throne, and replace him with the holy warrior. They’re just roles, brother, and they don’t actually define you. Mountains, molehills, managers, janitors… all the same, all one. Give a little, get a little. Give kindness, get kindness. Ya know?

    Its good to hit crisis, right? It gets your head out of your ass. 🙂

    With warmth,
    Matt

    #58173
    John
    Participant

    Thanks JDKM

    I’m doing just that. I’ve taken time off from work – how long, I’m not sure. And I’m taking time away from the gf as well.

    I’m trying not to do anything, but it’s not easy. It feels like there’s so much that needs to be done and laying around doing nothing is one of the most difficult things in the world for me. Although I realize that surfing the web is that awful space between doing nothing (rest) and being productive. It neither recharges you, nor accomplishes anything.

    Time for a nap.

    #58186
    John
    Participant

    @Matt I was the king and entrusted with something very important to my people. What happened? I let them down. I panicked, cowered, and gave away parts of their kingdom to another king. One of the people I was serving still haunts my dreams. Should I speak with her and apologize? How do I get rid of my guilty conscience?

    #58187
    Matt
    Participant

    If you weren’t at the helm, it could have been much worse. Plus, consider that your guilt assumes that their lives aren’t better off now, this “letdown” isn’t part of the harmony of their development that leads them along their path of joy. False, mu, your ego. You played your part.

    Consider that sometimes that what you’re calling cowardice is actually exactly the right emotion to have.

    Said differently, its your ego that makes the choices “all about you” and “all about what I did”. Bwah, garbage. As though you could “break the harmony” or “go off track”. You’re a thread, dear traveller, nothing more, nothing less. What are you learning? Not “what john is” “what john does”, rather, cause and effect. What’s pushing and pulling you?

    Consider a mantra of forgiveness to disentangle from the guilt directly. “I accept myself, and choose to make room inside me for what has happened. I accept that anyone coming from the same conditions would have done similarly. I forgive myself, forgive them, and hope that whatever vibrations radiate from my choices lead to long term health for us all. May we be free and settled, with lessons learned.”

    With warmth,
    Matt

    #58188
    John
    Participant

    Thank you so much Matt for your kind words.

    I will take them to heart and allow them to free my soul so that I may do better next time.

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 16 total)

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