Chelsea,

I’m sorry for your fiery moments, and know how painful it can be to burn the heart. Consider a few simple steps.

First, accept that the anger is there. Its OK, the anger had a cause, and we can work out the needs behind it. But first, accepting that the emotion is there for now (or was there then), and giving yourself a little hug. It hurts to get mad, dims our sense of happiness, and a hug goes a long way.

Second, once we can accept the anger, we can turn our regret directly into healing by making the space to look and see what happened. Instead of “oh, how could I have”, consider “what was that!?!” or “cheerio, what a brilliant adventure in Chelsea land… now,what tripped me up?”. As we become curious in such a way, the regret turns into determination to solve the puzzle.

Finally, when we begin to see what caused the anger, we try not to do that again by preemptively making space on our side by meeting our needs. Said differently, consider what happens when we get hungry. Over time, our bodies get more and more attentive on the hunger, growling, making food more appealing, etc. Eventually, we become ravenous and will eat just about anything.

The same is true of our needs. For instance, say we feel the need to be heard by our loved one. We have some story or feeling that really needs to be shared, and over time that need builds. If we leave it unexpressed, eventually it bursts out, ravenously, as anger. “Listen up, you jerk!”. To meet this need preemptively, we attend it before it gets ravenous, before it explodes out. “Hey, so there’s this thing I want to talk about, do have a few minutes to hear me?” Said differently, when we can accept our anger ties into some need, and meet that need gently, then we eat before we’re starving, so we don’t overdo it, blurt, gorge, blame, etc.

Namaste, sister, may your temper find temperance.

With warmth,
Matt