Hi Sojourner, thank you for your insight. I know I have done some compromising but in my mind it is his wages paying the mortgage and I pay the bills etc, so I’m not sure how balanced this all is. Also, he came into the relationship with money from his divorce and put a fair bit of it into my mortgage, but we are still spending more that we earn and eating into this money and because it was his money I feel reluctant to go on about it. It is my property from a previous relationship, that I had to fight tooth and nail to keep. I feel it is very generous of him to pay the mortgage when his name is not on the title.
As far as his son goes I did lay down rules such as no smoking anywhere near the house as I can’t tolerate the smell, but he smokes just outside and I do smell it and he comes in reeking of it. The drinking I feel is none of my business as long as he doesn’t get drunk. I would never tolerate it if he were my child though. He is not a mouthy or rude teen so I am grateful for that. He does not have his drivers licence yet so my partner also spends a lot of time taking him to town on weekends that also eats into our alone time together that I really miss.
I must have painted him as a spendthrift, but I must clarify it is more talk of buying this and that now that actually spending the money. He has reined it in, but I feel only because he knows it stresses me out not because we need to watch what we spend. I feel like a scrooge always saying, no we can’t afford it, then angry that he doesn’t realise it.
Honestly, if I were to get a second job tomorrow, I feel I would tell him it’s over even if it meant I had to eat 3 minute noodles to get by. But that’s when the guilt sets in. He has nowhere to go and he has a heart operation due next month. ( a big expense that can’t be helped). It would be so much easier to sort this out and get back to the way we were. I worry that even if he did tell his son to move back to his mums or wherever, he would resent me for it and I don’t want that.
I don’t feel confident to have this talk with him for fear of his response and then mine. This is all I think about 24/7. It’s making me ill.