Oh @inky thank you. I do get that, I really do. I have long given up on having the traditional everything- I think maybe what this recent situation has made me realise is that I actually want a partner. For some time post divorce I became obsessed with thinking about children, and I made up my mind that I would be having a child on my own. I just thought that would be the way it would end up for me.

I know it may sound ridiculous to have been thinking that at say 32,33,34, but I was. I think I now have a bit of perspective on what was going on there and it was more to do with me not wanting to think that i needed or wanted a man in my life, that I would and could do what I wanted, because (without being aware of it, this is something I’ve only realised recently) I was actually too scared to take steps towards anyone again in case they hurt me like he did. With this new man I was able to open up a bit and I now see I do have love to give, I do want to give it. I want to be loved also though, so pining for someone who isn’t able to give me the same does seem like a waste of energy. In fact the children thing can wait, as you say- and that feels like a revelation in my thinking about myself. Thank you @Inky. I have learned so much recently. I wish there was a way to fast forward and see how things end up, because if there was I think I’d be OK. Its the fear that it might not happen for me that is hard to “sit with”. Maybe I still need to do some reading on uncertainty.