John,

We can’t change what we’re seeing today, that’s just what we’re seeing. Our ripening seeds. Consider, your view of her shifts wildly, from attraction to repulsion, while she’s not changing all that much. Which means your side, but no biggie. She has tendencies, of course, but consider that when the view is “attraction”, they’re no big deal. When its “repulsion”, they are stabby, jarring reminders of why shit is just wrong with that witch.

Its good of you to wish to grow love, and to grow a peaceful intention that sustains throughout your day to day life. Trying to grow love always fails, though. Much like thinking about thinking doesn’t stop thinking, trying to grow love doesn’t grow love.

Instead, we can grow the space inside us, and the love grows on its own. When we are peaceful, we rest alongside our fellow explorers and let them be who they really are. Just let them be, be a witness, be ready to do “whatever”. “Where are you at? What would you like to see right now? Movie? Dancing? If you could plan tonight, what would be on that list?” We can let go of all the “my day was this and that, myself is this and that, John feels this and that”, and simply, with curiosity and courage, jump in and go with what arises. Do our best, let what blossoms happen. When we bring our curiosity to the moment like this, the “figuring it out” doesn’t feel heavy, such as a burden to shed, rather, it arises like “OK, what a puzzle! What a path! Let’s make some space on the table to see what’s here, what our heart wants us to do next.”

On the cushion, it is the same. We don’t chase thoughts or avoid them, we’re just “OK, here are thoughts, ripples” and back to the breath, the feeling. With her, its not “chasing love”, rather, “OK, here is john dancing poorly, off his rhythm, space inside closed down.” And back to opening the space. Then, as you find the rhythm, the love blossoms naturally… maybe for her, but more importantly, for you.

But friend, you gotta keep your light shining bright, staying on track with your self nurturing, meditation, metta practice and so forth. Consider you keep sticking your fingers in a beehive, which is normal, usual, and expected. However, those stings bring clouds to the heart. For instance, if spend all day looking at how you failed the company, your mind will be lamenting, cycling with grief as it learns and relives, and decides what to do better next time and so forth. In she walks, and low and behold your mind starts fault finding on her, projecting meaning, looking at things she could do better. Your space winds tight, no room for her to simply be her beautiful yin-yang wisewoman/fool like everyone. Just a hint, she’s always sparkling. Just a cloud, blown in from pain, ripples of ruminations.

Who are you John? I’ve heard your song before, and you really seem to have become swamped. Stop hating on yourself, dumbo, when you share your light with others, their hearts brighten. You’re a champion, just learning how to dance. So you weren’t born with perfect rhythm… doesn’t make you any less beautiful.

Namaste, brother, may your mountains crumble and wings flutter.

With warmth,
Matt