June 17, 2014 at 9:20 am #58995
And I’m back once again.
The mind is continuing to wonder and wander. It’s not as restless as it was before, but a big question still lingers, “Do I love my g/f?”
There are moments when I look at her and feel a pull drawing me in. Other times, I feel nothing and worse, even an aversion.
She’s really sweet and supportive. I know she cares for me deeply. But we’ve been in this limbo state for too long, walking around each other on egg shells. With no signs of it stopping, I either have to tell her that I believe we’ll make it through or end it here and now.
In some moments, I feel very hopeful. In others, I feel like there’s no point dragging this on.
I know relationships are hard and they require work, communication, openness, and honesty, but I’m not really sure what to do next. I feel so driven by fear rather than love.
I’m trying to draw up on love to guide me and let my heart be open to love and being loved, but no matter how much I try, in her presence I feel anxious, closed, and distant. When she’s away, I don’t feel worthy of the love and affection that she gives (“She deserves better”) When she’s with me, I have a hard time mustering words and saying anything in fear that I might say something that will push her away, hurt her, or make her angry, which I do more often than not.
How do I know how I really feel? How can I let my speech be honest and skillful?June 17, 2014 at 1:09 pm #59036
We can’t change what we’re seeing today, that’s just what we’re seeing. Our ripening seeds. Consider, your view of her shifts wildly, from attraction to repulsion, while she’s not changing all that much. Which means your side, but no biggie. She has tendencies, of course, but consider that when the view is “attraction”, they’re no big deal. When its “repulsion”, they are stabby, jarring reminders of why shit is just wrong with that witch.
Its good of you to wish to grow love, and to grow a peaceful intention that sustains throughout your day to day life. Trying to grow love always fails, though. Much like thinking about thinking doesn’t stop thinking, trying to grow love doesn’t grow love.
Instead, we can grow the space inside us, and the love grows on its own. When we are peaceful, we rest alongside our fellow explorers and let them be who they really are. Just let them be, be a witness, be ready to do “whatever”. “Where are you at? What would you like to see right now? Movie? Dancing? If you could plan tonight, what would be on that list?” We can let go of all the “my day was this and that, myself is this and that, John feels this and that”, and simply, with curiosity and courage, jump in and go with what arises. Do our best, let what blossoms happen. When we bring our curiosity to the moment like this, the “figuring it out” doesn’t feel heavy, such as a burden to shed, rather, it arises like “OK, what a puzzle! What a path! Let’s make some space on the table to see what’s here, what our heart wants us to do next.”
On the cushion, it is the same. We don’t chase thoughts or avoid them, we’re just “OK, here are thoughts, ripples” and back to the breath, the feeling. With her, its not “chasing love”, rather, “OK, here is john dancing poorly, off his rhythm, space inside closed down.” And back to opening the space. Then, as you find the rhythm, the love blossoms naturally… maybe for her, but more importantly, for you.
But friend, you gotta keep your light shining bright, staying on track with your self nurturing, meditation, metta practice and so forth. Consider you keep sticking your fingers in a beehive, which is normal, usual, and expected. However, those stings bring clouds to the heart. For instance, if spend all day looking at how you failed the company, your mind will be lamenting, cycling with grief as it learns and relives, and decides what to do better next time and so forth. In she walks, and low and behold your mind starts fault finding on her, projecting meaning, looking at things she could do better. Your space winds tight, no room for her to simply be her beautiful yin-yang wisewoman/fool like everyone. Just a hint, she’s always sparkling. Just a cloud, blown in from pain, ripples of ruminations.
Who are you John? I’ve heard your song before, and you really seem to have become swamped. Stop hating on yourself, dumbo, when you share your light with others, their hearts brighten. You’re a champion, just learning how to dance. So you weren’t born with perfect rhythm… doesn’t make you any less beautiful.
Namaste, brother, may your mountains crumble and wings flutter.
MattJune 17, 2014 at 3:16 pm #59044
She is always sparkling, I know it. Everyone is beautiful. And she was so beautiful to me.
I’d never call her a witch or think she’s one. There’s nothing wrong with her. She’s not perfect, but there’s nothing wrong with her. And she’s definitely not a witch.
The faults I see are all superficial; the way she speaks, eats, stands, sits, dresses, smiles, frowns, her hair – all very superficial. Physical beauty is so impermanent, I know that logically. None of these things will have any meaning years from now and these things that had no meaning a few months ago and yet now, it’s all I can think of. Why am I not attracted to her anymore? Why do my eyes wander to other women?
And so I’m left wondering, is this the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with? Do I want this woman to be the mother of my children?
It all feels and sounds so shallow, I make myself sick.
Tonight, I rest and relax and enjoy some good company with friends. Tomorrow is another day.June 17, 2014 at 4:36 pm #59051
Why do you think it has something to do with her? How many “things” do you look at with the same judgment? Career? Self? Her? It seems common now, for you to cling, wish things were different than they are. When reality seems painful, its natural to try to dream a better dream. Maybe a new John would do better. Maybe some new pair of creamy thighs holds the secret to John’s happiness. Logically, I know you know it ain’t so.
As far as the witch goes, consider that you’re saying “I don’t call her a witch, but look.. a crooked nose, broom, pointy hat. Yes, she’s beautiful, but she’s ugly to me.” Don’t chop off the finger, deny the witch, its just a meaningless pointer… look at the moon. She’s not your enemy, or the source of the “ugly perceptions”. Those are just the clouds, just a result of the mind kicking and bucking inside your head.
From a different direction, consider that you’re throwing poop onto a canvas, and complaining your rooms smells. And then, blaming the canvas, not sure if its the right canvas, longing for a different canvas. But, until you can accept that you’re painting it, its tough to turn away… and, even if you dump her, the smell is going to follow you around. Said differently, that nagging rooster is pretty sure that she’s the cause… but you can be free of that, stronger than that, if you consider setting that aside. Over time, you’ll stop getting pulled into the gravity of that. 🙂
From a different direction (although perhaps one of inky’s well aimed slaps would do you some good) consider that life doesn’t have to be an endurance trial. If she’s not it for you, she’s not it. Just consider that the center of a lightning storm is not the best time to make house repairs if at all possible. This mental state that you’re temporarily stuck in is making lots of stuff zappy that otherwise wouldn’t be an issue. Right?
MattJune 18, 2014 at 9:20 am #59084
Thank you Matt. I know its me throwing poop everywhere and not being able to accept and love what is.
I want to be a better boyfriend, lover, someday husband, employee, family member, and friend. It takes work. It’s hard. And I’m going to make mistakes along the way, but I’m going to work hard – swallow my pride and try to really connect with her.
I’m not going to let my critical self, the criticism of others affect me. I’m going to let it wash over me like water off a duck’s back. At the same time, no more comparisons. No more criticisms and judgements of others. Just pure acceptance of what is. I’m going to let go of jealousy, anger, pride, and resentment.
Time to throw off the bathrobe, take a shower, and embrace life in all its glory, ups and downs.June 18, 2014 at 11:10 am #59093
Well said, brother. If you swapped your “I WILL”s for “May we”s, you have a heck of a mantra. We can approach these gates with humility, such as helping a broken stem to mend… rather than a tyrant, squishing out evil. They’re just habits, and we all have them… so be gentle! Save your passion for liftoff. 🙂 Namaste.