Self sabotage is pretty prevalent with people that had the rug pulled out from under them often as a child. For me, every time my parents ‘got back together and things were looking normal’ all of a sudden we were packing our bags in the middle of the night again – or dad was walking down the sidewalk with a suit case. It sucked. Soon I was sort of addicted to the choas and excitement of it all – and felt numb when things were normal and boring and needed to spice things up with self sabotage. Beyond that, I had no idea how to just ‘be’. I needed a distraction from myself and alcohol provided that – among other things of course, that was just one of the many ways I distracted me from me and stirred up some familiar chaos.

I also had to live in a state of denial about how bad my childhood actually was in order to not just wander off from my parents – I couldn’t of course, I needed them to survive – so I became this person who constantly had to believe my own lies in order to survive. Over time, this bleed into every area of my life and soon it was all just a lie that I could not distinguish from the truth with out help. I grew up in a dysfunctional family, got some books on ACA (adult children of dysfunction) and started working on my stuff. I learned that it didn’t mean I was an adult in a child’s body – but rather – that I was an adult who met the challenges of life with survival skills learned as a child.

Surviving my childhood was rough. Alcohol was a band aide that really hurt cuz it came ripping off every morning – never worked.

So I feel ya –
Best wishes,
Tash