More like “of the call” IMHO.

Karen,

I’m sorry for your suffering, and can understand the intensity of pain when dreams collapse suddenly. The heart isn’t through loving, and yet the circumstances change rapidly, leaving an incredible tension… feelings wild, bouncing between longing and hatred, shame and love, and the anger…. whooo doggy, the anger. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

Consider that your heart suffered a wound, and as it bleeds, thoughts and emotions spring out, blerting as pressure builds. The phone call, vindictiveness, wanting him to “pay”. All normal, usual, and nothing to be ashamed of. It reminds me of one of those cooking shows, where people are given weird ingredients and told to make something gourmet. You have a bunch of crap ingredients, and so don’t be harsh with yourself for what comes up. You’re OK, dear sister, from crown to root… and perhaps with some strategies, you can stop this pain dead in its tracks. Frankly, your tender heart has been through enough bullshit because of its connection to him.

Consider a zen-like approach to your pain. Perhaps you’ve noticed that as the feelings build, it is like a pressure inside. Much like needing to throw up after eating some bad chicken, sitting with the rotten pieces he offered you builds up a pressure. Instead of vindictive behavior, such as more face booking (genius by the way, though a little cruel, understandably) or phone calls… consider laying in bed,burying your face in a pillow and screaming. Flail your arms and legs, curse, wail. Get it out, don’t let his shit wind you up…his lack of tenderness,honesty, compassion… suddenly dropping you like you don’t matter, sexing his wife the whole fucking time… its bullshit. Instead of cycling with it, get it out. Not “poor me”, not “I’m so ashamed”… but “alright universe, I’m done with this shit, take it back! Ahhhhhhhhhrrrrrrrrggggggghhhhhhh. Out! Out! Not mine!”

If you really let your body get into it, the pressure will go, and you’ll be left with your grief. The tender maiden, longing for her prince, finding out he was a villain the whole time. That part of you needs gentle care. Bathtub time,with candles and soft music. Walks in nature, letting momma earth reach out to you through her trees and birdsong and water, comforting her daughter. Slowly, delicately, like a tree shedding leaves in the fall,the pain of heart will fall away from you, and there you will remain, shining. Said differently, of course it hurts, but you have nothing to be ashamed of. Matters of heart are tricky, and you did the best you could with the information you had. Don’t let his karma, his choices, taint your self image. You’re very clearly, obviously, beautiful, and even at your worst, when your pain was deepest, your choices reflect a deeply loving being. Amazing.

Namaste, dear sister, may your heart heal well as the tears and minutes fall behind you.

With warmth,
Matt