Jonny,

Whew, you’re one tough dude. I’m sorry for your suffering, and can understand the tasteless and dreary state we can find ourselves in sometimes. As jasmine kindly noted, you’re turning your strength inward, suffering over your suffering. Dumped by a girl, grieving the loss, but feeling ashamed of your feelings, suffering that you’ve been suffering. With mom, college, girls, drugs… its no wonder your concentration is depleted. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

Sometimes when the wind howls, lots of leaves rustle. The mind gets all kicked up, thoughts springing everywhere. It can give the appearance of ADD, such as random distracting thoughts and stories leading our mind away from where we wish it to be. Trying to study, thinking about the gf. Trying to prepare mentally and emotionally for an exam, thoughts of mom. Dear brother, its not because you’re weak… far from it. You’re over stressed. Too much too fast, and of course we get overwhelmed. Even Superman has to recharge.

There are some things we can’t really control. Buddha taught it such as death, old age and disease just happen. Mom’s mental illness, ex gf, etc… stuff doesn’t always shine and dance with butterflies and fairies.

The good news is that we can ride those experiences with grace. If we learn to self nurture, such as take better care of ourselves, learning to de-stress, unwind, let go… yesterdays peaks and valleys kind of melt away, leave our mind more peaceful and smooth. What do you do to self nurture? To take your own hand and find a little space, comfort?

My favorite is metta meditation, which may benefit you in many ways. It helps to produce, very directly, a peaceful mind, concentrated mind. Metta is the warm feeling of friendship, such as we might feel when we hug a scared little kitten, wanting her to know that she is seen, loved. As we wish for happiness for self and others, over time and practice, we feel happiness, stability. The mind kicks out less, kicks in less. That stability lasts through the stressors, making it more like a dance than a grind. Such as “I hate math” might become “math is such a tricky puzzle, I wonder what’s there?” Said differently, when we cultivate metta, we have more space to work with our environment peacefully. In action, and thought. Consider “ajahn brahm guided metta meditation” on YouTube, if interested. If there’s a garden or park you could do it in, even better! Let nature help one of her children, she’ll reach back if you reach out. 🙂

Finally, you’re not alone in your pain, troubling emotions, and confusion. Our paths can be tricky, but your pain is actually common, a teacher that helps you find what you’re looking for. It comes in different ways for different folks, but there is always hope in our struggle because it reveals our path toward joy. And you’re already walking it, believe it, and the strength you’ve built will remain… long after the clouds clear.

Namaste, dear brother, may your heart find healing, and your mind, peace.

With warmth,
Matt