Rewa,

You don’t produce karma in others,the guru didn’t get mad because of you, those were seeded by his/her own mental formations, attachments. If your river is asking you to disrobe, disrobe. Other people will do what they do, think what they think, but it doesn’t sound like you’re happy as a nun. That matters,perhaps most. Consider that Buddha felt a similar restlessness, left the life he was living, and went in search of the dharma. Its OK to do the same, its your life.

On the other hand,if you can breathe through your painful thoughts and feelings, perhaps you can see that they’re empty? The beehive on your shoulders all stirred up by illusions? Drop them, look around, what do you want? Follow that! Desire doesn’t extinguish by suppression.

With warmth,
Matt