June 29, 2014 at 11:11 pm #59908
I m a Buddhist nun and have been foe last 18yrs. To be honest I don’t like being nun ,I m just not happy. I’d been thinking about changing it for a long time . Now the situation has changed for me, my dad has been suffering from cancer. I now I can’t change about how I feel about my decision so I decided to go with it but I felt so burden with guilt n Shame that I had inflicted so much pain to my parents. I don’t know what got into me after that so emotional , I feel that I had to changed my decision so I went to my guru said I was so sorry , I will stay as nun he wasn’t convinced so I promised but he got angry anyway he has right to .now I feel like a stupid ,cause deep down I know I can’t stand being nun . I felt so worse for my stupidity ,when I first went to my guru he was like think about it n my parents though they we’re hurt they ok with it . Now I haven’t inform them that I have been to my guru twice . This lie is killing me . In our society leaving a nun life considered bad but I don’t know where do I stand . It’s too late to changed my decision and I can’t stand anymore not being my true self . I m so consumed with guilt , shame , fear n regrets . What killing me most is once again I hurting everyone with not keeping my promise. Please advice is it that bad to break the promise which I made? I can’t to move forward it’s been several months now I’m stuck with my mistakes .sometime I wish I could die I don’t have to bear anything . Please give some advice , really appreciate any thing suggestion or what do you think .June 30, 2014 at 3:42 am #59922InkyParticipant
I don’t know the culture, but in Autobiography of a Yogi, Yogananda leaves for a few days to the mountains after his guru told him it was a bad idea. He has a bad time and comes back, chagrined, afraid Guru would be angry. Guru said, “I have no expectations for any of my students, and only want their happiness. How can I be angry?” For your guru to be angry is a pretty unenlightened response, in my opinion.
It’s hard to transition, or do anything beyond the everyday when your parents are sick. Give yourself a break. You don’t have to leave this red hot minute unless you’re thoroughly miserable.
My old neighbors were a nun and a Brother who found each other and left the church. But your challenge is leaving and not knowing what you’re running towards.
Give yourself a date. Like, I will leave Jan. 1st/ 2015. The Universe will conspire with you to show you your next step once you put your Intention out there.
Good Luck!June 30, 2014 at 6:34 am #59928JohnParticipant
It sounds like there is a lot of pressure keeping you from leaving. Society, your parents, your guru, your promise.
Let’s start unpacking these. Promises can be broken, it’s ok. People will be upset, perhaps for a while, but they will get over it. At the end of the day, people who care about you just want to see you happy. Maybe they’re just afraid you’ll run off to some destructive lifestyle. Focus on what you’d rather be doing. Have you given it thought? Where do you want to work or what do you want to learn? They might feel more at ease with your choice if they know what you really want to do. This goes for you too. Continue to be completely honest with yourself and what you want. Don’t back down, and just settle to be a nun, so that you avoid upsetting others, and to avoid breaking a promise. And don’t be so hard on yourself for making a promise like that. People make lifelong promises all the time (marriage, for example). But people change over time, right? We develop different ideas, desires, outlooks on things slowly over time. We’re bound to go retract some things we’ve said in the past, break some long term promises.
Stay strong, focus on what you really want to do with your life, and communicate open and honestly with your parents, your guru, and yourself. This is YOUR life where YOU get to choose what’s best for YOU.
: )June 30, 2014 at 7:40 am #59933
You don’t produce karma in others,the guru didn’t get mad because of you, those were seeded by his/her own mental formations, attachments. If your river is asking you to disrobe, disrobe. Other people will do what they do, think what they think, but it doesn’t sound like you’re happy as a nun. That matters,perhaps most. Consider that Buddha felt a similar restlessness, left the life he was living, and went in search of the dharma. Its OK to do the same, its your life.
On the other hand,if you can breathe through your painful thoughts and feelings, perhaps you can see that they’re empty? The beehive on your shoulders all stirred up by illusions? Drop them, look around, what do you want? Follow that! Desire doesn’t extinguish by suppression.
MattJune 30, 2014 at 9:12 am #59945
Thanx a lot for your consideration and very beautiful thoughts . But I mostly regret that I have to break the promise and feel worse on my stupidity . I just blew it big time for myself .June 30, 2014 at 9:57 am #59952
Buddha taught that we all have ignorance, right? You made promises with less knowing, understanding than you have now… be unbound, dear sister, don’t spin with regret. Maybe the lesson is to make less promises… less intentional binding of who you think you’ll be tomorrow. Remember, no self, so who promised, exactly?June 30, 2014 at 10:17 am #59958
Dear Matt …”…………………..to be honest while I was in monastery, well actually NOWI’m staying at home anyway I always felt that I wasn’t doing anything with my life . I mean not being productive ,yes I do puja but that’s not I want my life to be I always wanted more .actually I want to help do some social work ,really need ed to help others but being in nunnery I was always felt that go with your routines like do puja ,eat etc I felt I was caged .there is no practical but I can’t say for everyone but it’s what felt I really think I could do more. But ever since the incident I became so full negative thoughts . I feel like I’m stuck in black hole .i don’t see any hope for myself .June 30, 2014 at 10:52 am #59959
Guru ideas, not yours. Parent ideas, not yours. Puja, not yours. Rewa, not yours. Stop thrashing the horse, and it settles on its own.
Nun, not nun, social work, not social work. There rests the conditions we call Rewa, luminous, on every path she walks. With some mud on her shoes, normal, usual, breathing.
MattJuly 1, 2014 at 2:16 am #60023
Dear john thanx for your advice I really feel little bit hope for myself . I really have to be true to myself
. Once again thanxJuly 1, 2014 at 6:09 pm #60057Bill LeeParticipant
I commend the commitment you made and honored for nearly two decades. Whether your spiritual path has changed or the difficulties you’re facing now are part of your development, I urge you to respond in the manner of your true nature — with compassion. That’s when insight will emerge. As painful as it is to be spending time with your family, it seems like an opportunity to address and resolve the guilt that you have been carrying about your parents–and now feeling with your guru.July 1, 2014 at 6:23 pm #60058
Thanks a lot