Jennifer,

I’m sorry for your suffering, and can empathize with how tricky matters of heart can be. To me, it sounds as if an ocean of tears has come forward for you two… many decisions, actions, thoughts, distractions. Where’s the common ground? Trust erodes with these conditions, and its no wonder you feel unsafe to talk to him about your feelings. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

Consider taking a little time to self nurture, such as hop in a tub, sit in nature, or whatever you do to give yourself a hug, breathe, find some space. When you’re all glowy, refreshed, sit down and write out what it is you want in a relationship. Not demands, such as what he must do, but more like the environment you wish to live in. What do you want to see your romantic life to look like? Shoot for the stars, be honest. Treated like a princess? Respected? Seen? How would you feel safe talking about conflicts? Where do you want to take your love life?

Once you feel good about your list, you can (if your heart gives the OK) take the list to him and have a chat. Sit down, open up, tell him your desires. Ask him to join you in your romantic spirit, see if he can see what you’re seeing. See your vision. If he can, then you two can build from there. What does he want to add? What interrupts that beautiful vision? What gets in the way? On your side? On his? What cha doing instead?

As you explore that question, with him or without, for you, try to keep it on your side. Not “well he does this to me”, rather “I think, feel, see…” The more responsibility you each take for your own troubled emotions, thoughts, the easier it gets… as a general aim. 🙂

What will happen, is as troubled times come, and one or both of you bubble off into some painful state, you’ll be able to help remind each other of the shared space, home. “Hey, my prince, youre really poking right now, whats up?” Or, “lets find home, relax, and then together address our needs/fears.” This helps the “bucking bronco” of turbulent emotions and thoughts to find comfort… as well as find some shrugging acceptance that some days we’re the shining princess, some days the hag. Some days the prince, some days the villain. From stress, fear, exhaustion, who knows. Karma cycles.

Learn, forgive, move on… “hey look, the sun is shining! Let’s share a dance, my love!”. Said differently, in a relationship with intense passion, often we have to learn how to not take our partner’s agitated pokes personally. Or feel ashamed of our own. This is much easier with an understanding, common ground. My teacher said that intimacy was about whether two can come to a shared view, see the same things… rather than wanting the same things. Compromise is easy, confusion is the toughy.

Finally, intimacy can be tricky. It takes work, cultivation, like a garden. If we leave it untended, weeds grow, strangle the vision of home. Bills, receipts, printouts of chat exchanges… all get set on top of that list in your desk drawer, until the prince and princess is a distant memory. Consider instead framing it, or painting/drawing/collaging/purchasing something else that reminds you of it. Don’t let it gather dust, get buried. Instead, keep it in mind, keep each other aimed at the beauty of hearts entwined.

Or, if he doesn’t see it, isn’t willing to work, move on. You’ll find your prince as you sing your heartsong. Its like a magnet. 🙂

Namaste, dear sister, may your heart find its courage.

With warmth,
Matt