Thank you so much for starting this post, Big blue!

DH said something profound. That there are People Who Ask, and People Who Never Ask. So we were brought up in a community/households where you just don’t ask. But then you become friends with People Who Ask. And you don’t know how to say No because you yourself would never Ask. So you say Yes, you say Yes, you say Yes. Until you say No. Now most people would be OK with it, and they are. But some people are gobsmaked that you said NO! Even one! So they try to Bust your Boundary.

I hate manipulation and lies ~ however, I have said, “I’m busy” because the social fallout would be too epic if I told The Truth. I only do Epic for Family, $$$, Life itself and Death.

Short Version: Old Friend, her family and my family had been great pals for ten years. Old Friend (O.F.) divorces her husband. I meet his new girlfriend. I am “lying through omission” because I never mentioned the new GF. So over the next few years O.F. tries to fight with me that I never told her and that DH is still friends/work colleagues with ex husband. O.F. then becomes “Crazy”. She tries to cast doubt about me, her and my DH. I don’t take the bait. She tries to leave vast amounts of her crap in my house. I tell her that that’s not possible. She tries to manipulate. “That’s $200 in extra luggage! etc.” I say, “That’s OK.” She tries to visit. “That week’s not good.” She complains. I say, “I needed a break, and guess what that’s OK!” She tries to bait me again about my DH. I ignore. She finally yells, “I AM NOT AFTER YOUR HUSBAND!!” I look at her like she’s crazy. Because guess what? she’s “Crazy”. (For DH to have done anything, or to even admit to doing anything with her, vast quantities of alcohol would have to be involved.) Then there was FaceBook drama. Again, never took the bait.

So each sentence of the paragraph above is one soap opera episode worth of drama.

Basically setting boundaries, the best way, is saying your No’s as gently and calmly as possible with emotional detachment. And to remember that “No” is a complete sentence. “I’m busy” does work wonders. “I can’t do this but I can do that” works wonders too. And I can’t spend all my energy fighting. I have three kids, an ancient MIL, older parents. Sometimes you have to cast the BS loose.

But thanks for reading!!!

• This reply was modified 10 years, 5 months ago by Inky.