The Problem – from ACA (Adult children anonymous no longer encompasses alcoholism, but all people who grew up in dysfunctional homes. The idea is – that we bring our survival skills learned as a child, into our adult lives. It does not mean we are childish in nature).

Many of us found that we had several characteristics in common as a result of being brought up in an alcoholic household. We had come to feel isolated, uneasy with other people, and especially authority figures. To protect ourselves, we became people pleasers, even though we lost our own identities in the process. All the same, we would mistake any personal criticism as a threat. We either became alcoholics ourselves or married them or both. Failing that, we found another compulsive personality, such as a workaholic, to fulfill our sick need for abandonment. We lived life from the standpoint of victims. Having an over-developed sense of responsibility, we preferred to be concerned with others rather than ourselves. We somehow got guilt feelings when we stood up for ourselves rather than giving in to others. Thus, we became reactors, rather than actors, letting others take the initiative. We were dependent personalities — terrified of abandonment — willing to do almost anything to hold onto a relationship in order not to be abandoned emotionally. Yet we kept choosing insecure relationships because they matched our childhood relationship with alcoholic parents. These symptoms of the family disease of alcoholism made us “co-victims” — those who take on the characteristics of the disease without necessarily ever taking a drink. We learned to keep our feelings down as children and kept them buried as adults. As a result of this conditioning, we confused love with pity, tending to love those we could rescue. Even more self defeating, we became addicted to excitement in all our affairs, preferring constant upset to workable relationships. This is a description, not an indictment.

*************** This is from ‘The problem & The Solution’ portion of the ACA literature.

I have a lot of personal experience with this particular program – some alanon, which to me is sort of a ‘scratching the surface’ room.

I am an Adult Child. That doesn’t mean that I am helpless. It doesn’t mean that I am incompetent. It doesn’t mean that I live in the past or that I think like an infant. It means that I still have a tendency to meet the demands of adult life with survival skills I learned as a child. It is not a matter of maturity and it is certainly not a disorder. Our capacity for normal living is exactly the same as everyone else, just as an IQ determines your capacity to learn. For some, without the opportunity to learn to have emotional health, we develop survival skills – also called ‘symptoms of the dysfunction’ such as the symptom of codependency; controlling (alanon issues) or addictions/compulsions (escape). They are all symptoms of the same underlying dysfunctional start to life – and the root causes of all 64 symptoms (12 step programs) such as – the mentioned codependency, controlling, Over eating, (OA) Exercise addictions, addictions to anything – even spirituality oddly and ironically enough – as it IS a spiritual program — are dealt with in ACA. I am a member of MIP ACA online and find it enlightening along with this site. There are always up sides and down sides to anything in the school of life. Having an open mind and heart and soul to all of it seems to be healthiest. Our goal here is not to ‘be appropriate’ as that is the sort of thing many of us suffered the shame that brought us to these symptoms in the first place. What we are really learning is that who we are is appropriate. Our true being, or true self is acceptable, loveable and wonderful as is. There is no need to worry what others think of us, or try to fit ourselves into some ‘appropriate’ box. We get to just Be.

love & peace to all – I appreciate this thread oxoxoxoxoo