Brian,

I’m sorry for your loss, and can understand how its difficult to grieve paths we could have walked, but now cannot. Darn. Letting go is about finding acceptance for yourself, who you really are, right here and now, from root to leaf. Its just who you are, its no biggie.

The path you’re walking is tough, with male energy in a female body… atypical enough that its often met with confusion or judgment, frequent enough to get a label. Ick. On behalf of humanity, sorry for our dumbness.

Consider that we can’t go back and change anything, so yearning backwards is like flushing our precious dreaming energy down a toilet. If only I could have had the proper attention back then, now would be different, better. But, nope, didn’t, wasn’t, dangit. So we stand up, and do the best with what we have.

I think you’re a treasure. What a perspective you can gain in figuring out your balance, your song! As you gain more self acceptance, that need to be known by others kinda fades, melts, and their entrapment into molds and views is met with empathy, maybe some pity. But “not mine”, not an issue with Brian, who he is. After all, in a dress or in pants, its your heartsong that makes you sparkle. Not having an inny or an outy, looking like they expect, being what they expect.

Finally, its natural to feel at odds with your body, to resent it for failing you. Consider though that it can’t help it, its just what it is. It still needs your tender care, loving attention. To rest with it, accept it, be at peace. Consider starting a metta meditation practice. Sometimes its easier to find self acceptance when we have a peaceful, smooth mind. Growing warm, friendly feelings helps to accomplish this, so we can look around politely, like our life is alive, and meet our puzzle with curiosity instead of fear. Said differently, some of your anxiety may naturally drift off if you increase your self-nurturing time, which metta does well. “Sharon Salzburg guided metta meditation” on YouTube, if interested.

Namaste, dear brother, may your roots grow deep equanimity.

With warmth,
Matt