Matt,

You don’t have to seek for an existing thread in order to tell about your own experience. Your situation and experience is just as important as everyone else’s, and is worthy of it’s very own thread.

Considering that you’ve been through something that must’ve been painful and scary, is it any wonder that your mind would go through it over and over again? Coming up with new defence strategies, just in case that hurt happens again? It’s also hard to forgive if forgiveness hasn’t truly been sought. Yet again another potential threat: forgiving and forgetting might mean that you accept the way you were treated or would feel like being used and taken for a ride. How naïve to forgive when the perpetrator is still out there, out of hook. One must be prepared for another attack…

Your mind is trying to find ways to protect you, albeit ironically in a destructive way.

What if you felt really safe and secure? What if you were free of stress and anxiety, and knew that nobody could hurt you? Would the mind still keep on going like that? Would it be easier to forgive, because what would be the point of holding onto grudges?

We try to learn from our past mistakes and learn how the people who hurt us operate, so that we could feel safe. You’re preparing for another attack. In a way it’s logical, but unfortunately, you’re just psyching yourself up and pumping up your adrenaline and getting angry even though nothing is happening. You’re playing the tapes in your head and each time it hurts and each time you react to it with anger. So in a way, you’re actually attacking yourself constantly. It’s like a rehearsal or obsession over the potential threat. So inadvertently, you’ll actually never reach the state of feeling safe through these exercises.

If you were to seek the feeling of safety in other ways, like self-nurturing and meditation, it would make going through those thoughts obsolete. Take some time to really connect with the physical world around you and be mindful about it. There are no real threats, no need to be alert all the time.

If you felt like you did the best that you could and it just didn’t work out, then why not forgive and forget, regardless of what she thinks? What matters is what you think, what you feel. She has her own journey to go through. You have yours.

Be more loving to your own tender heart. It has been through a lot and it needs to heal. Your mind also has been working overtime, so it needs soothing.

Change doesn’t happen overnight, so be understanding towards yourself. Give yourself the compassion that you need. Seek the company of those who care about you and who enjoy your company. Allow those relationships to heal you and make you realise that you’re not under any threat, and you are cared for and loved.

If the tapes start playing in your mind again, then take a moment to mentally step back and see them for what they are. Take a deep breath and relax and be more compassionate towards yourself. It is understandable to go through those things and not be able to forgive, but what you need right now is to care for yourself and nurture yourself. The forgiving and forgetting will happen in time, when you’re ready.