Ely,

I’m sorry for your suffering, and can understand how difficult it can be to turn away. Consider that while you two were together, you both nose dived into painful feelings. When we don’t know how to right ourselves, how to brush off from a tough moment and find some peace, it can lead to really unstable romances. If one partner is off, no biggie. The other can nurture, bring the other home. If both are off, however, look out. Both crying “I’m hungry” and no one eating. Said differently, when neither partner is good at self nurturing, finding inner happiness, acceptance, and look to the relationship for caregiving, it can quickly drain romance. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

First, love is not black and white. It flows, ebbs, rises, fades, blossoms… many flavors, styles, forms. I think what you’re experiencing is him realizing he’s looking for his safe spaces his feeling of happiness, and you’re not it. That’s good, needed. We all have to find our own inner happiness, no one can give that to us… despite the many fairy tales and movies. For him, it sounds like being with you right now is confusing, pulls his attention away from where he feels he needs to look.

Which is kind of what you sound like, right now. The pain of loss, fear of going alone, pushing you to reach toward him over and over. Fantasies, questions, puzzles, wishes… attention directed toward him, his side, his life, his reasons, his feelings. This isn’t that helpful for you, right now, because you have your own flock to tend. Your own “OK, without him, who am I? If I could do anything, *anything*, what would it be? Where do I wish to take my journey, this life?” That’s where your happiness is, dear sister, getting in tune with that, acting from that space. Not “What am I to him?” but “What next?”

Next, there are indicators of codependency in your stories, such as the notions of saving each other, and Pia Melody has done some great work at helping people understand and let go of that kind of behavioral/thinking pattern. “Pia Mellody Facing Codependence” on amazon if interested.

As far as the “maybe we’ll get back together someday”, its true. Maybe, who knows. However, consider that before that could be stable, finding your inner stability is needed. Said differently, even if you two get back together, if you don’t have good self nurturing habits, improved boundaries and so forth (explained well by Mellody), when stress hits you both at the same time, it’ll look awfully familiar, and distasteful. So, turn that ship, sis! What do you actually need right now? Was there anything you neglected while tending him?

Finally, the main cause that drives that inner cruddy feeling is often poor self nurturing habits. When we offer too much attention to others, even our partners, and not enough toward ourselves, we’re left neglected, drained, light dim. We have to learn to turn the ship away, steer our attention toward our own hobbies and interests. Dusting off the guitar, breaking out the old sketch pad, sewing machine, journal, bowling ball… whatever… when we’re feeling low, its time to scribble, play, find our inner smile. My favorite of these is metta meditation, where we set down then past and future and cultivate positive thoughts and feelings. As we sit and breathe, wishing for ourselves and others to be happy, our mind becomes peaceful and smooth. First we intentionally think friendly thoughts, then we starting having friendly thoughts, then we feel friendly, warm feelings. Natural, simple steps. Any self nurturing activities do this, so if meditation isn’t your thing, creating art, walking in nature, a bath with candles, soft music. If we unplug from the many stories, and simply let ourselves unwind, our hearts get the air they need to shine. Said differently, when our mind is busy racing, we don’t have the space to hear the whispers from our heart. That’s where you’ll find Ely, waiting for you. Consider “Sharon Salzburg guided metta meditation” on YouTube, if interested.

Namaste, dear sister, may your heartfelt dreams blossom with ease.

With warmth,
Matt