Hello Gracie,

There was one thing that you mentioned almost in passing, but I thought it was rather important in all of this. You said that you might’ve been depressed, and on top of that you’ve had the stress from the wedding. Those are times when the ability to handle threats is impaired. This whole scenario has presented you with some kind of threats, and now you’re stuck trying to fend them.

Years ago I was in a relationship with this really loving and caring guy. That was a time when my self-confidence was really low and I think I was more or less chronically depressed. So, I had this stroke of genius and decided to play a little game with him where both he and I would pick from a list of people the ones we found attractive and then share that knowledge. I thought it would’ve just been interesting. Wrong. He had no problem with my list, or at least he didn’t react to it in any meaningful way, but then me… I went ballistic. The poor man. I had asked him to tell me which women he found attractive and then I just became really, really mad. There was nothing he could even do to save it. “She looked a bit like you, so I liked her.” “You think I look like THAT?!” It was the dumbest thing and I still feel so bad for treating him that way.

There are a few points I would like to make with my story. One is that even though rationally we understand that a picture of another woman isn’t the same as actually having a romantic rival, we might still react to it as if it was. When depressed, it’s really hard to just let things go and move on. The smallest thing can all of a sudden become way too big to handle. There’s not enough energy and confidence.

As for the lying, as much as it annoys me that men have a tendency to lie a bit in certain circumstances, I also know that there are often times when hearing the truth would also cause me to react in certain ways. So it’s kind of a lose-lose situation. Men often have learned the hard way that sometimes it’s better to communicate in a way that is the least likely to cause a conflict. Men who are very direct and give honest answers tend to stay single, not out of their own choice… So it’s not exactly the sign of a sociopath to quickly answer “no” to a question “did you have a lap dance?”

If certain things make you react in a bad way right now, then why keep poking the wound? Take time to build your confidence and to reconnect with who you are. Practice mindfulness meditation to heal. You need the strength, so treat yourself like you’re in rehabilitation. Don’t be too demanding on yourself. Allow love to flow into you.

When you gain more strength and confidence and feel safe and loved (spiritually, not just by your husband), it is so much easier to let go of the things that are bothering you as well as heal the communication and the connection between you two.