It was not my intention to hurt you and i realize that 30 years isnt easy for anyone. All i can say is the only way you understand triggers is by actually doing a great deal of introspective analysis – for me, it involved using diaries to record my thoughts, using these charts related to certain behaviors i had in order to understand their baseline better, reading a great deal about various therapies out there and what their underlying ideas were – sometimes i would just identify the emotions by their adjectives – i noticed that i tended to literally bury and pretend the unpleasant feelings werent there but the more i had a name for the state – sadness, anger, restlessness, the better i could deal with without the guilt of feeling what i felt. Some of my on and off states are related to genetics and disposition but this long process has taught me how to cope better with episodes.

My emotions or lack of often are clues to certain things i need to do or understand..I view it that way now..Its really a matter of time and understanding yourself better. Exercise and long walks alone helped me immensely in this. I still get the old feelings sometimes but they dont define me entirely. Yes i have my history too but anyway, one thing i learned was that – dont be so harsh on yourself and others. I know perhaps my own words come out harsher than intended. Its a trait i am trying to work on but since you are clear about what you want, then you have to be clear about what you can do to manage your states better. I apologize again for the seemingly harsh tone at the end.