Jasmine,

Glinda who?

Lurker,

Its not your presence that rubs her wrongly, it seems that you are unintentionally attacking her well, her view of the world. Trying to help her see something new, pulling at the space where she feels safe.

When I first met my wife, she was similar. Not self hateful, but scared. Would toss up deceptions to keep her self safe, protected, unseen. This bothered me a lot, honesty is important for intimacy, plus, her lies smelled false, didn’t fit right, stuck in my mind. I asked a teacher if I should throw in the towel, give up, look for someone more direct, forthright. He told me that deceptions are protections, and go away when we feel safe. Could I accept that if she gets scared she lies? I could, did, and the relationship has been more than I could have dreamed for. Many hugs, many “hmmm, that feels off, but whatever happened, dear love, I am here for you.” Her honesty, and heart, bloomed slowly as we danced. She saw she had nothing to hide, nothing to fear, and the clouds disbursed.

From another direction, consider just being validating. You speak of helping her find self love, but then don’t accept her self as is. Instead of “oh, but wait, if only you could see how to”, consider “it makes sense why you would have those feelings.” It does make sense, she makes sense. You would be the same as her if you had gone through/had the same conditions. Give her that part of you, and if she is ever ready to approach her sticky bits, she’ll know she has a good friend to talk to about it.

With warmth,
Matt