Rahel,

Don’t give up, just keep going. The questions of “why” remind me of a story. There is a doctor, who has a patient come in onto the table with a poisoned arrow in her leg. She demands that she learns why she was shot with the arrow, what were the causes, why is this happening. The poison makes her deluded, feverish. The doctor would be foolish to answer her questions, and instead aims at removing the arrow.

The reasons, questions, you’re offering is why I suggest moving toward metta meditation. Now that you’re seeing “unkempt mind”, its time to tidy it up!

With warmth,
Matt