Rahel,

Its OK to feel like that with your mom, it doesn’t mean you’re bad. It makes sense that you wouldn’t have enough space to feel compassion for your vomiting mom. That’s part of what you’re looking for, right? To feel well enough that you have that space? That’s good enough! Its enough that it bothers you, that you’re reaching for love. So, try to drop the whole “rahel is bad” thought line, it is false. You’re a good person in pain, that’s it. 🙂

As for your forgetting, yes, yes, that happens. We realize, forget, remember, try again, forget, realize, try again… over and over. It isn’t “launching the first time” that does it, rather, “getting back on the horse”. You forgot, OK. Now you remember. That’s the whole point of pain, to make you alert. Hooray, it worked, now… back to step 1, keep going.

I’m sorry that you feel embarrassed giving hugs. I used to, too. It gets easier with time. 🙂 Can you do something you’re embarrassed to do? Fake it and you’ll make it, learning along the way! Also, you dont need to worry about the thread length, it’ll be as long as it needs to be. We’re here for you, as best we can! Just honor our attention by doing your best, and that’ll be plenty. 🙂

With warmth,
Matt