I, too, have lived self-destructively. I have lived with the victim mentality for a long time, and I am just now truly making the effort to take responsibility for my own life. The thing is, as a child, you could very well have been a victim. Children do not have nearly as much control over their lives as adults do. That being said, you are an adult now. Now is the time to take responsibility for everything that has happened, everything you have done, at least since becoming an adult. By doing so, you no longer have to be a victim. You acknowledge that you made mistakes, and move on from them. I agree with The Ruminant about not seeking forgiveness at this time. You cannot control how people will respond to your apologies/confrontations, and right now, their responses (should they turn ugly) could result in a further desire for self-destruction. Maybe once you have generated more self-worth, you will be able to handle it better.

I recently began reading a book that my counselor recommended to me that has completely changed my view of life in general. If you choose to read it (I found it at my local library), keep in mind that your brain will resist at certain points (at least, mine did) because you may still have the instinct to blame anyone and everyone else for how your life has turned out rather than admitting responsibility for your actions. It is important to keep an open mind. The book is called When Anger Hurts: Quieting the Storm Within by Matthew McKay. It is a little old, but the advice is gold.

Also, I don’t know if you already do or if you feel this is an option, but I have been experimenting (with my doctor) with anti-depressants over the last year. I think it helps the way my brain processes things so that I don’t anger so quickly. One of the main points in the book I mentioned is “trigger thoughts” and how to stop them from making you angry, stop them from even happening period. An anti-depressant can help you think more clearly and more positively.

• This reply was modified 10 years, 4 months ago by Rose.