Echo,

I’m sorry for your suffering, and know the fear and pain that we’re left with after being abused, and how hopeless we can feel. Don’t despair, dear sister, there is a way to rebuild, and once we hit a few hurdles, the path before us opens up, begins to shine, and our appreciation for blue skies helps us to let go, forgive, and be done with the past. Move on, regrow, and so on. But you’re right, the question is how? Throwing our hands up in the air is one thing, but what comes next? What do we do? A few things came to heart as I read your words.

Forgiveness is a double edged sword, sometimes. If we forgive without understanding, without “breaking free”, often it cankers, shows up again. Its like trying to let the situation steamroll us into acceptance, and the rock rolls around the old wheel of time and flattens us again. And again. The solution, forgive them, sure, but at a distance. Its never too late to fight them off, toss them in prison, let them sort out their bullshit where they can’t do us or others more harm.

The emotional equivalent to this is silencing the injustice, casting them off us. Once we are in a stronger place, “our place”, we can forgive the whole of it.

Consider to be free, perhaps you could use a hand, need a boost. Try what worked for me: “They made a terrible deposit onto me, and fucked up their only job. To show me love, and help me find my way. Instead, they poked and prodded, ignored, turned away, judged, used me selfishly. What. The. Fuck. How could they? How dare they! Gone! Off me! Your tendrils don’t belong, FUCK OFF.” Envisioning them blasting off me, flying across the room, mamma bear roaring in righteous fire, protecting her sacred spaces, her garden. Punch pillows, screech, jump up and down, thrash around. Get it out, gone, be done. Give it back to momma, let the earth absorb our sorrow, pain, anger alongside us.

Then we can move into self forgiveness. Accept that we don’t wish to be angry people, don’t wish to fight, don’t wish to hurt anyone, hold it in or hold back. Dont want to endanger ourselves in any way. Rather, we wish to be kind to ourselves, gentle, patient. Gratitude for momma bear, our goddess energy, helping us defend our space, but not wishing her to begrudge all of human kind, because there really are a lot, a lot of loving people. Lots of hearts and huggers, stumbling along like us, trying to do the right thing, have a little loving space, lend a hand, and share a laugh or cry with friends when we can.

As we go and look for that, walk in that general direction, we grow our little inner garden. Its ours and ours alone, and no one gets invited if we don’t want them in there. If we find a trespasser, momma bear will clean that up right quick. Be as gentle as you can, but as fiery as you need to be. Get them out. Its better for them, and better for you. She has claws and teeth, and not just to smile or look pretty. Ya know?

Practically, without metaphor, consider that when we are abused, its common to have leftover anger push us to see/think/feel “I’m weak, broken, flattened”. We can breathe alongside the anger, “not mine” their actions in our mind and heart, and let the anger go so it doesn’t canker. After we let it out, shuck their whole game, their BS, we can let it go more easily. Just not tending the thoughts, like we do in meditation. “Bah, we all have scars, and have given them. Not going to drag me down. May all living beings be happy.” For me, my past doesn’t bring me down, usually. Thoughts of my abuse, and abusers, like “yeah, I remember that one time way back when I stubbed my toe. Feet feel fine today, and are more sensitive, so why dwell?”

As far as the fear of our anger, consider that anger is a natural result of the injustice. Its already there, inspired, paused, waiting to be released. It like they squeezed you, and created heat, like physics. Its not yours, you don’t have to carry it. Give it back to them, its theirs. Its even better if we don’t even bother trying to speak or write or explain to them. Buddha said this is like trying to throw an ember, but we really only burn our own hand. Just in our heart, be free of it.

As the anger is released, the injustice heals in our heart, then we can shrug and accept that healthy people don’t do that kind of garbage… so “may they learn their lessons and be free of whatever pain surrounds their life too.” But not at our expense, let the earth figure out what to do with them. For us, we get to grow that tender garden, and it remains rich with strength and appreciation for a loving heart. Offered hugs mean a lot, and given hugs are genuine.

Finally, (and whew, *hugs*) consider finding a community. There are support groups, yoga classes, gardening clubs… all sorts of places where good hearted people get together. Consider exploring one, two, or more, and diving in. We don’t have to tell anyone our life story to be known, seen, but feel free to share, listen, or just be present with curiosity and do what feels right. Like eating at a buffet, little nibbles, and if momma bear starts growling, take a step back, “hmmm, what’s up with this?” Grace feels light, love is warm, and when we have platonic friendships, they should glow, not feel heavy. 🙂

Namaste, dear sister, may your inner smile deepen, widen.

With warmth,
Matt