Irene,

What you’re experiencing is normal, natural, and part of growing. We don’t suddenly just realize and become free, graduate, rather its a process of erosion, weeding, envisioning, and replanting.

My teacher explained this in terms of meditation. We notice our unkempt mind, so we sit in meditation, come to a place of inner peace, then get up. Maybe for 5 minutes we have that peace, before the world seems to pull us away, mind becoming unkempt again. Next time, maybe 15 minutes before it does. Even when our inner peace lasts the whole day, and we don’t feel unkempt, we still go the cushion. Normal, natural, and we just keep going back to the cushion.

Said differently, its normal for pain to move us to seek health. Then, as the pain erodes, our focus of on health erodes. At some point we get tired of that game, and just keep growing our health even when we are happy. We don’t just meditate when its rainy, using meditation as an antacid for an upset mind… rather, we become proactive, as a matter of routine and upkeep and because we deserve it, we go to the cushion rain or shine. Like eating raw vegetables consistently, because we know the fiber helps us digest and the nutrients nourish our body, rather than waiting until we feel fat, have heartburn, diarrhea, and so forth.

Learning happens when we don’t grab the cookies, even when we feel the “mmmmmm, tasty” to grab them. Nope, grab some carrots, feeling the joy of it now and later, rather than “yum” now and “ooof” later. 🙂 Graduation, to me, is when we don’t feel any habitual drive to eat the cookies, and eat cookies or carrots based on what feels right in that moment, finding our balance between celebration and nourishment.

With warmth,
Matt