Hello Chris,

I’m going to have to start with a disclaimer of sorts. I’ve never been married, and have pretty much sabotaged all relationships that I’ve had thus far (which I haven’t had for a while). I also believe that there is “his side, her side, and the truth”; it feels kind of weird to discuss someone who’s only been described by another person.

I’m just wondering what she might be afraid of? Or rather, what is she afraid of in relationships. First of all, our relationship with our parents does have an affect on our adult romantic relationships in one way or another. So considering that she has disowned her father, what might be her relationship towards men and masculinity in general? Being controlling is a sign of some kind of fear, as are temper tantrums.

In a way, this isn’t really that helpful, because it should be her here talking about these things. You can’t force her to change or to seek help for any possible issues. What you can do, is to not take her issues so personally, if indeed that is the case. It’s about her, not about you. I know it feels personal when you get rejected, but I don’t think that people would wilfully turn away from intimacy without having some personal problems regarding intimacy. If she would have a healthy attitude towards intimacy and you really were the “problem” so that she didn’t want to be intimate with you, she would tell you and you would talk about it openly. But what you have now is vague promises of things changing without things actually showing any sign of changing.

Unfortunately, telling someone that perhaps they ought to seek some help for their possible issues is very triggering to that person. Then again, the destruction of a relationship with a clear message that things aren’t OK can also motivate someone to seek help. That’s what happened to me. Doesn’t mean that it would happen to everyone.

Because of my own past, I really do feel for her. I mean, I’m sorry for you as well for having to go through this, but if this is how things are, it might be easier for you to find happiness again in another relationship, but she might be stuck with her own demons. If indeed things are the way they seem from what you are saying. I’m holding onto that disclaimer of mine 🙂

I’m sure others who are wiser and more experienced with healthy relationships and marriage can give you a better advice for what you actually should do.