David,

Dear brother, you are so harsh with yourself! I hear a kid with a good heart that has been snoozing beneath fear. Don’t despair, because we often have to stumble a lot before we find our stride. It may feel like a heavy burden, but its enough that you see it, feel bad, and wish to grow something different. That’s really all it takes.

The rest is just spit and elbow grease. Consider checking out Brene Brown’s ted talk “The Power of Vulnerability.” What I see is perhaps mom’s fear made your risks extra scary. Not only do we have fear of trying new things, but if mom is overly anxious too, each mistake and risk could really weigh heavy. It can untangle, will untangle, as you move forward. Also, perhaps consider picking up a copy of her book “Daring Greatly”. I think a lot of her research, stories and observations will ring with you.

Consider that you do have a dream of who you want to be, or the differences wouldn’t bother you. Being honest, heartfelt, forgiving, loving… your hopes for these things are awesome. Especially because you’re so young to be taking a stand like this! Slowly, gently, move toward who you want to be. Small steps, an apology here, picking up the guitar and trying again after getting frustrated there, paying back your parents for money stolen, volunteer somewhere, etc. Make amends with the world around you, and it will give back kindness and warmth in your heart. Little things, adding up over time, will make a huge difference. The journey of a thousand steps begins with a single footfall, and you’ve already made it.

Finally, consider trying some metta meditation. You’re grieving the loss of your relationship, which will take lots of time and tender care to heal. That’s OK, normal, and usual. Even strong men have to cry it out, emotional pain hurts. Metta can help you from turning too far inward, backward, spinning and swamped in old actions and “who is this David person anyway?”. Its the feeling of warm friendship, and as we grow metta, we grow a deep contentment and peaceful mind. This makes it much easier to face each day freshly, without dwelling in the past. Consider “bhante gunaratana guided metta meditation” on YouTube, if interested. First, we intentionally think kind thoughts. Then we start thinking kind thoughts automatically. Then we start feeling kind feelings. Natural process, simple. If the accent is distracting, consider “sharon salzberg guided metta meditation” instead. Bhante G really holds the listener’s hand, helping to guide and explain what to do with our unkempt mind, but can be difficult to follow if we’re unused to paying close attention.

Don’t worry friend, peace is inbound if you keep walking in such a great direction. Seeing is the first step in changing, and you’ve done a lot of the painful work already. From here, its just spit and elbow grease. 🙂

With warmth,
Matt