Thank you for taking a moment to read this.

I have just exited a 6 year relationship. By exited I mean she broke up with me, for the better of both of us. Our relationship was destructive and I led it to an inevitable end. I was never 100% about my feelings for her at the beginning. Things began on pretty messy terms; I effectively took away my best friend’s girlfriend without thought or any form of concern for his feelings. I didn’t even consider my own. I lived in the moment, unhealthily.

My motivations and interest sprung from how I thought other people would perceive me. I have always done it. I used to record people singing and playing guitar on youtube videos in an attempt to impress girls I was interested in. I would tell them it was me and they would believe my because my profile picture on Facebook was of me holding a guitar. I had confidence in myself. Not confidence in my actions but in my thoughts, and assumed I could predict other people’s interpretations of my character. I did play, but badly. I sang but I never felt good enough. I would lose hope in myself when I couldn’t recognise a dramatic difference in my ability quickly. I would frustrate myself and look for an easy way out.

That has been a running theme. I have never seen it as a necessity to do things I didn’t want to do. I would lie at work to get time off. I would steal money from my parents. I would go day by day not recognising how my actions affected people. This persisted throughout my relationship.

My ex-girlfriend had a difficult upbringing. Actually difficult. Not “I don’t know what I want for dinner” difficult. Her mother wasn’t a stable person. She and her brother were abused by her mother. She hired someone to enlist death threats to my ex-girlfriend’s dad (her at the time husband), who wasn’t able to act because this woman was so intimidating. In other words, it was never easy going for Alice, my now ex.

I on the other hand had a warm, nuclear family. I’ve always been protected from any sort of danger by my mother who becomes terrified as soon as I walk out the door. I’m 21 now, I have just moved back in to my parent’s and i find it difficult to appreciate what I’ve had and still have. Alice on the other hand has always been eternally grateful for any act of kindness. I couldn’t sympathise with this, so spent a large amount of time putting her down. It was new and exciting at the beginning but i became scared for her safety and my own. She wanted to get as far away from her past as she could. I was something new to her, and she was to me.

I felt sorry for her a lot of the time rather than actively trying to help her. I guess this angered me. To some strange extent I guess I was jealous of her experiences. I know that sounds sickening, but I was so busy trying to be somebody that I couldn’t comprehend the true extent of what she had been through. I didn’t see the need in helping people. I hadn’t really ever tried.

I guess this is a confession, and realisation come too late. I regret not making a difference. She’s awe inspiring, messily determined and enriching toward everyone around.

I drove away her any my friends by sitting inside and conjuring ideals. I based my life on chance and rejected opportunity. I blamed her for my mistakes and I find that hard to come to terms with. She made an effort within our relationship every single. She motivated me and I realise now how dependent on her I became. We both created a fairytale for ourselves to some extent. We abused cannabis and I blamed it for most of my problems. I became even more spiteful toward her. I acted like I didn’t care. I wouldn’t be able to form coherent explanations for things. I would babble excuses and say “i don’t know” whenever any serious point came about. I was unfaithful, belligerent and dishonest. I loved her deeply but would force myself to feel unhappy.

The break up was a long time coming. I had engaged to her about a year ago and she said yes. She had broken up with me a week prior. I did it because i knew it would make her happy and that was what I wanted, but I couldn’t do it day by day. I fell in love with her but would tell myself otherwise, literally arguing with myself in my mind. I became a hermit, barely going out, just smoking and playing games. I had no grasp on reality, fell into a stagnant routine and lost sight of what was in front of me.

It has been less than a month. We talk lightly and joke about our past which helps but i feel guilty. The number of times I said sorry and it wasn’t heartfelt makes me uncomfortable because It felt so easy at the time. She put me on a pedestal to begin with, which she apologises for. I did the same toward the end when she began doing stuff for herself. I became desperate in seeing what was happening but instead of acting I panicked and spewed even more emotional turmoil in her direction. I felt so sorry for myself for no real reason.

Now I feel lost. I’ve been bettering myself but I find the regret heavy. I know regretting isn’t pointless, I just don’t want to lose anyone else. I lost trust in my friends and now find it difficult to talk to them and vice versa. I’ve changed for the better since it happened as she said I would. She’s always known me better than I know myself. She saw great things in me. I know I’m capable but I want to feel confident. I’m scared of experience for the sake of not knowing the outcome. It feels like I’ve been lost in my own mind.

I don’t think I’ve even written “I” so many times before. Thank you in advance for any replies. I’m beginning to appreciate my life and other people. Thank you.