It sounds like you’re doing all the right things. I think the mindfulness and meditation is doing you good, it’s just not an instant cure-all. You’re still going to have bad days. The trick is to recognise them as bad days, not final proof and evidence that you are irreperably broken and unable to love.

Have you told him what you explained here in your message? It seems he’s your first and most important ally. Tell him about your worries. Let him know you’re working on learning how to trust and letting go of your anger and mistrust. He will want to help you.

When you say, “I just want to be happy and let myself experience the love that is right in front of me” you ask for something very reasonable, and reacheable. But you may not always be there. No one is constantly happy and experiencing love, but hopefully you feel that way at least some of the time, at least for a moment. Treasure those moments. Remember them and accept them as signs that you are making progress, that you’re not forever trapped by your past and your suspicious mind. This can be a type of meditation too, where you remember feeling good about him and your relationship, and just smile because there is sweetness in your life.

With time, hopefully those moments will become more common, and the outbursts less. And that’s what happiness looks like for most of us.

Stay the course. May you be happy.