Dear Naomi, just like Samdlb says here, it is a normal reaction- your anger, disappointment, hatred towards his action. The very idea of you wanting to move on with your life is a progress in its own way. Those feelings which were there from all these years, are now growing old, they are saying it’s time for you to move on without them. Learn what you should from them, let them leave.
But, dear friend, to forgive yourself, your father and everyone else involved in this is the only proper way to do this, so that such things will not repeat again. A few lines for your consideration..
We often think that once our feelings change, and we find happiness, we shall change our actions. The truth is that only when we change our actions, do our feelings change, and WE START TO APPRECIATE OUR INNER HAPPINESS.
Forgiveness is a judgment of choice, to be willing to let go of something that brought hurt, to go unanswered, for our own well being. Like others in previous posts have said, we can’t change what has already happened and you can’t change the way how others think. All you can change is what you are doing to yourself, at this moment and in the future.
There are many ways to do this – Meditation, Therapy, Prayer, Practice, Confessions.., choose what suits you. You might consider more than one like meditation, and practice mindful compassion. Your goal should be to clean all the unwanted feelings, and memories from your heart, and fill it with love, Grace, kindness and compassion, so that you are able to focus on your purpose in this life. Remind yourself about your goal everyday.
Also, I would like you to think, and acknowledge about any good things you have noticed your father( for real). My point is to see that no one or nothing is totally bad or good, to not deserve forgiveness and kindness. This may change the way how we approach people on the whole.
Such a long post… I guess it would take days/ weeks for you to read..
It might look like a long way ahead, but we have to start somewhere to get somewhere. Wish you love and Grace..