J,
Matt is SPOT on (as always). Really not much to be added to that abundant wisdom, but I would beg you consider that it was only sex.

In my advanced age of 56, and I’ve not been an angel trust me, I have discovered, for myself anyway, that sex is not the end all determinant of how a relationship should be defined or attempted. Clearly the girl sought companionship & physical comfort. Clearly you were not together at the time. Physical touch and intimacy are a huge part of being human, please don’t judge her so harshly. She didn’t do anything wrong and it was very courageous and honest of her to share what happened with you. She didn’t have to do that, but I applaud her bravery for not wanting to have secrets from you and to start clean in a new relationship with you as if you were both someone new going into it for the first time.

Sex is just sex. Most of the time it doesn’t last as long as it takes to eat a nice meal in a restaurant. Two people doing what comes naturally. Most people want the person they are having sex with to be the only one they are having sex with and that’s fine. Outside of that, outside of a monogamous relationship, all bets are off. Please ask yourself why this is so very important to you? You’ve done so much work, don’t slip back into ego rules.

What lasts in a relationship is the mutual enjoyment of each other’s company, through thick & thin. The acceptance & support of that person’s dreams, quirks, good & annoying habits. Sex, after the initial burn, usually shifts on the list of priorities and is replaced by a mature understanding & enduring love of the WHOLE person, not just their body and what happens between the two of you physically. Sex becomes part of your rhythms and exclusivity, the expression of your vulnerability and trust and desire for each other over the long run.

Please please don’t let it play such a major role in determining if this good woman is worthy of you.

Wishing you peace and happiness, Sojourner