Ani,

I’m sorry for your relationship troubles, and can understand the difficulty of trying to be intimate with someone that has difficulty opening up, and instead hides. Consider that you come across as very sensitive and strong, a real powerhouse of a woman. And, you’ve mentioned how you have to change him, grow him, and make him different. This is not a good combination, you perhaps crush his tender shoots of self esteem without even trying. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

It makes sense that you’d want, need, more input from his side. Intimacy requires good communication… there are simply too many choices to make that need honesty from both sides, in order to have enough information to make it a skillful choice. If he is not giving that information easily, then it makes sense that you’d want to try to pull it out of him, prod him until he gives it up. Perhaps you also try to steer him before ever finding out his side, telling him what you want and why, before asking him what he wants. Perhaps even assume what you want “is the correct thing” such as “this is what a relationship is supposed to be”, or “you need to talk to me more”, or “I want rice for dinner because that is the best thing for us, what do you want?”

While these things come from a loving and somewhat wise place, they also don’t produce the kind of courage you’re looking for in your partner. If he is withholding or hiding his energy with you, but then is bouncy and fun with others, perhaps he’s fearful of expressing himself to you. Consider for a moment, that perhaps your sensitivity and powerful female energy make it a little extra difficult for him to express things to you. If he said “hey, that thing you did really pissed me off”, would your response be kind, open, curious about what sparked his feelings? Or would you engage with fire, telling him how you feel, how he makes you feel, how his anger “doesn’t count” or “doesn’t fit”?

There are some people that “fill up a room” with their own side of things, wanting to be in control. This is fine, normal and usual, someone has to captain the boat. But its also important to make space for his side to blossom, too. For instance, consider the following:

“Tonight, I wish to give myself to you in whatever way you’re interested. What would you like to do? Go out? Stay in? Watch a movie? Have sex? My only desire is to be together, wherever you wish that togetherness to take us.”

This is keeping your hand on the wheel, keeping your natural role as captain, but allows his side to direct what comes next. After all, more than any movie or dinner or lovemaking, you’re trying to aim at him, right? Instead of “hey, eat this, its good for you”, just bring him to the buffet and hold his hand in yours. More than any specific food (or date night) its the hand holding that is good for you both.

That being said, its also important that you choose sometimes, too. But it could really help him if you were to hold his hand and say something to the effect of “of all the paths that rest before us, my desire is you. Where do you wish us to go?” Then, be curious, open to what he is thinking. Like a cheerleader, rooting on his explorer side. “You want me to lick your ears, OK, let’s do it!” or “You want to watch a low budget sci fi movie, OK, let’s do it!” or “Oh, you want to XYZ and ABC? OK, let’s do it!”

Even if you’re not that interested in the movie or ear licking or XYZ, so what? You’re exploring him, the experience, and him in the experience, so there’s plenty fun to be had even if the movie is dull, or the taste of his ears isn’t particularly alluring.

Finally, its good to keep that hand on the wheel, maintain the control of the intimacy and see it moving where you want it to go. Just keep in mind that good intimacy is more about inviting the other person to join us somewhere special, rather than telling them what to do or how they should be. His desires need to know its safe to come and play, and if you’ve been sensitive and fiery in the past, it may take some time for that feeling of safety to grow for him. Be steadfast. 🙂

Namaste, sister, may your moments grow ever more satisfying.

With warmth,
Matt