Jackie,

Your question makes sense, not wanting to be a pushover, be tread upon, and if we let go and forgive, what’s to stop people from walking all over us?

A simple way to see the answer to this is by considering our relationship to a stove. There is fire there, and if we handle it unskillfully, we get burned. The pain is very natural, letting us know something is wrong. When we let go, forgive, the fire doesn’t “not burn us anymore”, rather we don’t become aggressive with the stove or ourselves for the burn. We don’t blame “outside”, as the source of the pain, and instead remain clear seeing, see that we stumbled, laugh at our smarting and tender fingers, kiss them, and move on. Next time, we remember, and interact with the stove more carefully.

With others, it is the same. Sure, they have needs and wants and hopes and dreams, but it is how we respond to those that determines whether we get burned. My daughter asks for cookies for lunch, and i tell her no, because I know its not good for her. She cries, maybe throws a tantrum about it, tells me she doesn’t like me anymore, and on my side “forgive, forgive, forgive”. Hug her, give her a nourishing lunch, and get back to the day. Not “well, forgive you, so here, take the cookies”.

Or with a narcissistic spouse, “I forgive you for the actions, but can see the relationship isn’t good for either of us, so here are your bags.” Said differently, forgiving turns our pain into wisdom, let’s us see things as they are, and doesn’t stop us from being skillful, or the pain when we act unskillfully. Rather, it stops the pain from becoming confusing, from being attributed to the stove, the partner, the child, and so forth, and so we can rest contentedly without feeling aggression for others. Does that make sense?

With warmth,
Matt