@Jason and everyone else:

I did look up intrusive thoughts and I definitely have that problem and it doesn’t only pertain to the relationship.

The other weekend I tried something that I haven’t tried before. I was laying in bed about to fall asleep when once again, the thoughts of my ex with this new bf of hers came rushing through my mind. Instead of trying to think about something else, I let the flood gates open.

At first it was scary. I felt all the emotions that came with all of the thoughts of her and both of them together. I felt a lot of pain, disappointment, longing, and everything else. I just let those thoughts and emotions come. Eventually they subsided and I ended up falling asleep. I woke up the next morning feeling better but I knew I wasn’t cured. Since then, I’ve been feeling better but of course I have my good days and bad days. I think today I’m having a bad day.

Today, on the way into work, I starting thinking about all the things I miss about my ex. There are many unique things about her that I loved. I miss the way our senses of humor matched, the grooming she did for me, and a lot of the other characteristics she had that no one else I’ve ever dated, had. I know I won’t find someone else that have those and it saddens me.

But, there are also things my ex did during our relationship that really hurt and upset me too. Like breaking up with me 5 times and leaving me with an apartment that I am finally getting out of this month. You know what else is weird, I’m happy about leaving my apartment because there are so many bad triggers but I am a little sad too. This is the last and final tie I have with my ex even though she’s been gone for a while and that we’ve been apart longer than we were together.

My family and close friends all say that I dodged a bullet with my ex, that all the problems she caused me and the relationship are now her new BF’s issues.

But, it does hurt and sadden me that she’s sharing her life with her new BF making new memories and totally forgetting about me. This is my assumption, but I don’t know if that’s true. Other friends and family think this new relationship with an old BF of hers is weird and reeks of desperation because she’s a hardcore atheist and he’s a reverend. Isn’t it true, the reverends aren’t supposed to have premarital sex?

Anyway, I guess I miss the idea of my ex and/or just the good memories. I have to tell you though, the good times with her were the best of my life. And I can’t ever forget that, and I think that’s part of my problem of still holding on to that tiny glimpse of love and happiness with her.